Shattering Statistics

Plaid Blue Shirts and Cheap Plastic Tires

2011-12-31T02:55:00.000-08:00

So, sometimes God moments just feel few and so far between. Here it is New Years Eve and I can't even begin to place what all occurred the last 5 or so months. Regretfully, for some reason I neglected this blog by journaling lots and lots the last year. Honestly I wish I had continued writing entries in here rather than journal, but here we are at December 31st. The last few months have been a challenging circus full of multiple tents and people. Most of the "acts" resembled a tight rope or trapeze and I kept waiting on Jesus to meet me before falling. It's bizarre considering so many events occurred and yet I sit wishing to recollect what feels like a dream. Other things are right at the back of my mind, yet I know it is not time to pull them out to written word. Alas, it would be rather simple for me to write some long list of the many things I have gained knowledge on. Perhaps it would make more sense on recording things i want to "change" over the new year. Yet, as i sit here, 6 a.m, ...which was once a figurative, metaphorical time in my opinion, and I have only one story to tell.

Maybe that is a lie. In fact, that is a lie. A blatant, stupid lie. Yet, for this morning I am going to run with it, because it is not only the most recent story- but a pretty daggon awesome one.

Yesterday was seemingly a dreadfully, long, pathetic day. If you had asked me about 20 hours ago why it was dreadful I not only wouldn't tell you, but I would choose to wallow in my frustrations while giving some long winded answer that no person in their right mind would ever be able to follow. This would then allow bunny trails of conversation so that not only would I not be convicted of my patheticness, but also would leave whomever it concerned in a labyrinth of confusion afterwards. (Note also that at 6 a.m. the word labyrinth to a dyslexic was almost unbearable to construct- but I focused on fixing the letters misplaced for all of my grammatical&spellchecking absurd amigos out there). Long, boring story short- I was alone for about 48 hours straight with merely a pizza box, cable i never wanted to buy, and my paint sets. "AwesOme".

Finally, as I was about to cancel coffee plans with a friend, I realized how absurd that would be. After a 5 minuet shower I ran to my destination only to find myself further creating my maze of a story for whomever would try to crack my hearts safe for the day. Amazing what 23 years of practice can give you when it comes to such things. Graduation day with a masters in B.S.ing my emotion is not something to be proud of and I in no way hang the diploma on my wall. Finally my friend and I realized there was not much to digress upon at coffee, so we went to play some sticks for a wee bit (Aka hit some heads, or eh hem...drum). While at the church I kept feeling the Lord pushing us to go to Walmart. Over and over again I heard this but shoved it off due to the notion that I hadn't really been hearing much from the Lord lately, so why the crap would this be different? Mocking in my mind, about 2 minutes after hearing "Go To WALMART" for the third time it also finished with, "and then to Kroger". Feeling somewhat bored at this point my friend and I realized all we really wanted was prayer. That being said, we drove over to a church couples house in hopes to receive prayer on a few different matters.

Now, I can understand where this would be dumb to anyone reading it.

Even if you don't believe in God, I am sure that you could agree that if you DID believe in God- and felt whole heartedly that He was telling you to do something (keeping in mind that His will was actually wonderful because you are looking through the lenses of me) then you most certainly shouldn't waste time in disobedience.

Sadly, however, we drove to their house. After waiting outside their house for about 15 minuets parked by their next door smoker using her dog as an excuse for a late night cig fix... I finally vocalized my thoughts, cowardly.

Me- So, uh, do you think maybe we are supposed to head somewhere else?

Friend- Walmart

Me- OH MY GOSH WALMART, I've been getting that the whole time!

Friend- I KNOW-- even back at that church

Me- HAHAHA I THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY

Friend- i think we're supposed to meet someone there

Me- Omg Me too! Lets get there before they leave!

So, to explain to anyone who thinks we are nuts at this point- this is known as a Treasure Hunt. God knows when believers listen to the Holy Spirit. Many times He will send them on wild goose chases knowing they will listen. To anyone who says this is crazy, I would retort with --Well Perhaps you haven't listened because He calls everyone.

On our way up the street to Walmart we started asking the Lord for specifics about the person.

Our "treasure map" clues entailed:

Male, about our age, blonde hair, near the auto mechanic area, plaid shirt, and a staff member.

Now, that is undeniably quite a bold list. It looked crazy watching the letters even form that sentence as I sat here typing it all down. You have to keep in mind, in our heads, in the moment it sounded even crazier.

Well, getting to Walmart, we headed towards the Auto Mechanic section. Literally at the same time we looked up to see a worker, about our age, blonde hair, and wearing a blue plaid shirt walking by with his box cart to load. Pathetically, I will admit to pointing and saying "HIM" with my mouth wide open, but hey- it was a long list and my faiths been a bit trampled on recently. My friend and I legit stood there laughing and finally went to sit on some benches realizing we never asked the Lord what to tell this guy! So, while sitting on the benches the Lord gave us for this guy: 1. He is loved and appreciated 2. that he needed encouraged and 3. that something was happening with his mother. Finally, we go back towards the area to find him and he asked if he could help us find anything due to the weird faces we made. I don't know if you understand how odd it is looking at some guy you only knew things about minutes before hand then watching him pop up in front of your face like an Alice in Wonderland character...needless to say, it is a very weird feeling. When asked what we were looking for my friend said, "Well, You, actually."

Walmart guy- "whattttt?"

Me- "Ya (insert mini giggle), we were drinking coffee then got bored and went to our church. There we were told to go to Walmart and find the guy in the car section who has blonde hair, is about our age, and is wearing plaid! And so we drove all the way here and there you are!"

...at this point i am pretty sure he thought we were drunk, but who wouldn't? and thats Biblical anyway, Eph. 5:18.

Walmart Guy- "Wait, so like, is this some kinda Wigi board thing?

me- "Oh no, no- this is straight up Jesus and Holy Spirit stuff dude!"

Friend- "Yea, the Lord wants us to tell you he loves you and that you are appreciated! Is there anything we can pray over you about?"

Guy- "Ha, prayer uh... a million dollars? .....I'm not even a believer er nothin"

Me and friend- "oh thats fine dude! we are just here to pray for anything you may need"

Guy- "oh" (long hesitation in which I wanted to ask about his mom, but if we were wrong about the mom thing.....then it could put worry where it wasn't necessary) "uh, i'm ok thanks"

Friend- "ok, well know you are loved and being prayed for dude"

Me- "Yea, i hope your night is blessed"

...afterwards we realized regretfully we got so excited we didn't even get his name. To be honest, I doubt he would have given us the real one at that point. hahaha Awesome enough, if I ever run into him at Walmart again I can totally have a follow up conversation. Sadly, by the time we reached Kroger we are pretty positive the Lady we were supposed to chat with was leaving. The Lord then told each of us to go to McDonalds, where we talked and had encouraging conversations.

Now, I sit here typing at 7 a.m. and honestly feel physically sick. One of the awesome things we landed on last night was about how Jesus can use us no matter how we "feel". Whether physically sick, emotionally drained, or ready to drown some gold fish- when we are listening He will follow through and use us.

Regretfully the last few days I have been a bum when I felt mostly well physically. Now, here I sit feeling sick and have more energy than I did before merely because of my gracious- day and night redeeming Savior.

I pray over each of you reading this, that you may walk in the Spirit in such a way that outsiders can't comprehend why you are different. That the light of the Lord rests upon you. That you live outlandish, Jesus filled lives. Praise God for the undercover Superheros. May your time of alias's fade away as we transform the world with the Love and Peace of Jesus. It's time to come out of hiding. You are gifted, learn to use it. You are mighty, grow in the one who made you mighty. People are always looking for a resolution, but I think the world needs miracles. Whose ready to walk on water with me?

...there are lots of guys, wearing plaid blue shirts, just waiting to hear they are loved by a Savior. Sure, we could go running around telling just anyone those things- but why not let the Lord take us to the people who He wants specifically to hear it in special moments?

Three Point One Four, From Chocolate to Pie

2011-07-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since that original incident of the "Jesus fed the 5 thousands, errrr maybe a dorm, with chocolate". The past 5 months it has truly been frustrating, feeling as though the Lord is there just not moving. Sometimes it seems He is just waiting for us to run into His lap and say, "Daddy! DADDDY! Can we have pumpkin pie!?"

Yes, this sounds incredibly silly to most people. In reality though, the Lord just really wants us to spend time with Him. It's almost like your boyfriend or girlfriend longing to take you on a date, but for whatever reason you are just to busy...even if its a pathetic excuse.

Well, yesterday I started unrealistically craving pumpkiny-pie goodness. I longed for the stuff more than a Prego woman craves chopped suey. (My mother always said when she was pregnant she craved chopped suey. Ironically, in Lady and the Tramp, chop suey is what the main lady character begs her hubby for when pregnant also. This developed into a fact, over much time in my brain that all women crave the horrid suey. Apparently, my so called fact is fiction, yet it doesn't mean I can't use it in my examples right?!) But, yea...omg pie.

Day two rolled around. Allllll day long nothing appeased me, due the lack of pumpkin pie in my life. Finally, tonight, I grabbed my keys and wanted to go to walmart for some things (obviously not pumpkin pie....). The Lord stole my attention and said, "Go to Kroger." We battled over that for a bit, but I ended up driving there. After passing the scan your own check out lines He immediately said, "Turn right". Ironically I took a few turns on my own and after a while eventually landed in pastries. (The pastries were to the right which is where I would have gone first). THERE, low and behold (drum roll...you'll never guess) were my favorite cookies.

NOW.

Once you get over the shock of there being cookies instead of pie, I would love to inform you that I HATE cookies. They have grown on me a bit this last year, but still...blek. Well, I hate all cookies. All except that kind with the weird frosting and sprinkles that never stay on- that are ALWAYS on sale and taste nothing of cookie?!...yea, i love those.

I grabbed the cookies, thinking they would due for the time being, and the Lord said, "Put the cookies down."

We then fought over the cookies.

All internally of coarse, for I figure most other shoppers would not like to listen in on the "schizophrenic" girl in aisle three, yelling about whether or not to buy cookies.

But, He continued to press the idea of letting them go. Finally, I self-righteously started walking off with them and there, right before my eyes, was...

of coarse,

PUMPKIN PIE.

I think I literally jumped for joy. Then, throwing the unnecessary cookies down, I lunged towards my beautiful pie. The cookies were a cheap fix. A personal re-bound to what my hopes really asked for.

We do that a lot with the Lord. We ask and pray...and think He's going to fail us when He doesn't respond as quickly as we want. Thats when we run for the cookies. We forget to go right, to pass go, and collect two hundred dollars. We settle. I settled. ...almost.

The cookies don't deserve that.

The Lord doesn't deserve that.

I pray we don't second guess our amazing daddy. I pray we go on some dates with Him, listen, and wait on His best. It's funny, He could have just let me have the stupid cookies. Instead, He gave me exactly what I longed for and left the cookies to be the answer to someone else's prayer.

...alright, time for paperwork and PUMPKIN Pie. Did I mention it's not in season? I mentioned that right? ...cuz it's not. ...I've got some miracle pieee.

faith and prayers.

3.14 C= [nerd pie]

The Unplanned Moments

2011-03-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

Today was an extraordinary day.

The weekend was slightly like an atomic bomb of stupidness from the outside world pouring into mine. I hit a point of absolute exhaustion and utter hard heartedness. At the point of my frustration no song on guitar, time spent on a painting, amount of fundip, spicey Tika Masala (Nommy nom Indian Food), As Told By Liz episode, or funny moment could pull me out of slump.

The nice thing about being in a slump: You give yourself the absolute authoritative right to be moody and look upset with "Mess with me or Die" plastered on your face.

The bad thing about a slump: You in no way exhibit the love of the Lord or the His abundant joy. You hit a point where acceptance of self-centeredness sounds like the best decision. You express a non-realistic view to the world of what the Love of Jesus conquers.

SO, Sunday rolled around and I woke up to yet another ploy to make me reach over and slip on my mask of "Mess with me or Die". Then for breakfast, while running around getting ready, I drank an intense cup of "My life is insanity- EVERYONE SHOULD SYMPATHIZE WITH ME". After this I drove over to my friends dorm, picked him up, and rushed to church.

Granted, YES I was stoked to see some friends I hadn't in a long time. Reality is that my heart was in no place of wanting to a hear a sermon, praise Jesus, or communicate with people that could convict me of my growing bitterness.

Alas, I mention how crazy my weekend was and moved conversation around to what is going on in other peoples life. It was not completely a sneaky manipulating detour on my part because I did in fact care deeply for each of them. I will, however, admit the whole detour created a beautiful excuse to get away with my apathy for concerning matters at hand.

Everything was going swell, and then *BAM* ...the Lord hit me. Not literally, the Holy Spirit (as my gals and I would say) is a gentleman. The song He Loved Me to the End was our last worship song. As soon as I heard the first few chords something, some tiny twang in my heart split at that point. The bitter, apathetic, stoic side of me shattered and left a wound Jesus could bandage. There is something about the words to that song (you can look them up) that devours chains on my heart every time I hear it. Broken chains have tangible evidence of their pre-existance, however, devoured chains are what the Lord does. He physically took them on the cross. They have no type of evidence of their previous existence. And, then, as if the Lord Himself sings it to me, I can't contain myself, and I must sing it back to him. "I won't giveee up, He loved me to the End. I will press onnnn, He loved me to the end..."

From that point on my whole insides (and possibly outer demeanor) changed.

Then, at the end of the service a couple of us started talking about the Lord. We recently helped run a revival service. This service felt like one of the biggest blessings of this year, but happened to also make me feel black listed amongst some fellow believers. Constantly I have been fighting lies these last few weeks revolving this one night that truly was an encouragement and a movement. Yes, it made some uncomfortable, but it issued a place for some to encounter the Holy Spirit in a way they hadn't before. I watched a good friend get prompted to go pray for someone he didn't really know. This is COMPLETELY out of his normal realm of comfort zone...and I'm pretty sure he loved that he was obedient to the spirit afterwards. I watched a girl feel free to lift her hands and sing with all her might. I watched a couple kids hesitate then step into the presence of God unlike they had ever been able or stretched to do before. The service was an amazing force of impact, whether a tad uncomfortable for some or finally freedom raining for others. But, yes, the three of us talked about the service. It lead us to talking about many other things. Things that broke our hearts. Issues that we wanna fight for. Moments that we met the Lord in a new place.

...This one and simple conversation was the most uplifting thing that could have occurred after the events that had dismayed me this weekend. And, all of that being stated, it merely reminded me of these truths:

Sometimes the best and dearest moments come from abandoning your schedule. Sometimes the faces you view acquaintances are waiting to bloom into the dearest friendships. For them to bloom it takes putting down the planner, throwing out the schedule and stopping to give them your undivided attention. Sometimes the Lord has His hands out to bless us but it is always our choice to receive them.

I suppose what I am saying here is, I am blessed amongst the heartaches. I am blessed during the trials. I'm sent friends to help walk through fire. And, "OH, HE LOVES ME, TO THE END. ...WE WILL OVERCOME, BY HIS BLOOD, BY HIS BLOOD".

Oh HE Loves YOU, to the end.

Faith, Prayers, Encouragement,

Shattering Statistics

McDonalds always was my favorite...apparently its Jesus's too!

2011-03-17T19:46:00.000-07:00

I have been broken for the Holy Spirit to move on my campus. Many believers from different organizations have been hearing one specific word in our prayer lives: REVIVAL.

As the enemy tries so much to vanquish this attempt of faith, the Lord keeps professing His utter love for my friends and I.

It's truly amazing how He has called us to unification and love for one another recently. To be honest quite a few of the ones I am now working with I did not even know. Satan has done a good job in splitting the church, and that is also proven in the on campus ministries here at our school.

Amazingly we have been filled with grace. Every time someone speaks against us, the Lord declares His plans. Regretfully, I was quite torn tonight as to how to react to some things that my heart is slightly broken over. Sometimes "my mouth is like a magazine" to use the wondrous words of the good ole' band showbread. Aka, my mouth runnith over on things I knew were not of the Lord, but just me in fleshy defense mode. One of the gals I love dearly sent me a blogpost about her weekend, and it is an amazing encouragement from the Lord.

I would love for each of you to take the time to read it. Time is a precious thing and I would never want you to waste it. But, this should truly bless and refresh your soul. It shatters some comfort zones and expectations we watch people put on our Savior.

Sometimes the Lord sends His word through a friend. Sometimes Jesus sends His love through a song. And, sometimes Jesus sends His love via blogging. I suppose this could be considered weird, yet He IS the one who created diversity, so you gotta believe He uses it to reach us.

FIRE OF JESUS; making disciples, walking as Jesus, Igniting the Nations.

"I see a generation, rising up to take their place. With selfless faith, selfless faith. I see a near revival, stirring as we pray and seek. We're on our knees. ON OUR KNEES." -Hosanna- Hillsong

<3>

~♡ of an Evangelist~

2010-11-12T07:42:00.000-08:00

The heart of an evangelist is an ever ascending and descending roller coaster of emotion. On one hand, the Word of deliverance from the Lord is ever on their lips, creating a drive of joyous perseverance. On the other hand, it is a constant heartache having daily encounters with people in desperate need of a Savior. If every 5 seconds someone goes to hell, what is the number of seconds that someone goes to heaven? To the evangelist, the one whose existence is to spread the truth that sustains their very life, the grim statistics are like needles to the soul. Yet, the evangelist runs on with faith. They hold bold conversations in the mere pursuit of beating the walls Satan established to blockade the souls of the wanted. These faces passed daily of carcasses whose broken, misused, beaten, bruised, and bound are imprinted on the mind and heart of the evangelist. We, as I outspokenly declare myself to be an evangelist as well, long for the day, any day, a hear is changed forever. As warriors wielding swords to the fight, we battle for those not knowing the war is at hand. Instead of a fight for the death, a fight for the life is passionately pursued. For we we're once pursued ourselves and we know the ever amazing redemption that came from it. It is a battle never questioned, because Jesus never questioned us.

We owe Him, yet He demands nothing.

Grace is amazing.

Jesus is love.

Fight for those who have yet to meet love.

Fight for those yet to know Jesus.

..."we live, we die. We live, we die, we fight for love."-Disciple

Furious Love and Butterflies to Prove it...

2010-10-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

The LAST post i wrote was way back in August. It's focus was on seeing the butterflies in life that God sends us each day. Granted, I was speaking metaphorically, yet I saw literal butterflies daily until October! I know it sounds as if I am exaggerating, but it was a daily encounter. It was truly incredible, as if the Lord was saying, "I know what you we're truly asking for. In fact, I know you better than anyone. But I am sending the literal butterflies to remind you of - oh How I DO LOVE YOU... So much!"

(side note to those who are more poetic of heart: If you have read or studied much about Joan of Arc- she felt that the Lord was with her and loved her when she saw butterflies. Apparently when finally burned at the steak, she was surrounded by fluttering white butterflies. I figure if they are good enough for Joan, I am honored to believe the same. And this story goes along with where my blog is heading...)

So Kathryn and I we're hanging out with some AMAZING brothers-in-Christ last night. One happened to mention that The Finger of God documentary came out with an amazing sequel. If you are interested in The Finger Of God at all- I blogged about it almost a year ago- and you can find it on a link connected to the post. Kathryn and I decided there would be no finer way of spending our free Friday, then watching this movie. Cool enough, Jesus provided a way for us to get our hands on a copy, and praise Him for it-cuz it was mind blowing! So these some of my thoughts on the documentary, regardless of there being no real way to convey the amazingness of it all. I preface all of this with EACH OF YOU NEEDS TO SEE IT. EVERY CHURCH NEEDS TO PLAY IT. IT WOULD RADICALLY CHANGE THE WAY THE AMERICAN CHURCH IS ESTABLISHED.

... Alas, I shall step off my soap box momentarily to explain what it was about...

(here is a link to a preview to easily set the tone for the rest of the blog: Furious Love )

The documentary starts out by testing love. You watch this journey of taking love to the most GODLESS places you can find on earth, just to see if love will impact or concur the darkness.

Some stories are gruesome. Some stories are terrifying. Some stories are unbelievable. But the one thing its all centered around is Jesus is the ONLY real LOVE that there is.

We watch as the man and his team travel all around the world. We see brothels, villages, Satanic and New Age Conventions, one of the worst drug capitals in the world, and many many devastating, heart-wrenching places.

It's a radical thought, that ties well into the dark month of October, that in the midst of Darkness- love OVERSHADOWS everything. Love not only overshadows- but it grabs fear, lies, and doubt by the throat and suffocates it.

LOVE. Furious Love. A radical and Furious and AMAZING love.

...During this movie I heard testimonies of Christians whose friends and family we're murdered and being persecuted for their faith, daily. I listened as a man tells a story of visiting the most dangerous village in the world. He met a man who found his fathers head on a post one morning because their family we're Christians. I ask myself, how Lord, how do THEY feel your LOVE? Isn't love non-existent there? Yet they felt the love and presence of God. Needless to say the man who visited was changed forever.

I watched a Satanist give a testimony of how Jesus delivered her! Here is a woman who is a bride within the Satanic church (I can explain sometime to anyone interested). She works with the demonic and was told from her birth that Christians are of coarse the enemy. Yet the Lord brought HER to Christianity? ...REAL love is the ONLY thing that can concur something like that.

I listened as a Pimp was shown compassion, healed physically, then miraculously came to the Lord. Ten minuets later she, and the person who had just helped lead her to Jesus went and told one of her prostitutes about the Lord as well. THATS THE COOL PART- when you are consumed with the LOVE OF THE LORD- u HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Story after story, person after person, each touched by Jesus, each feeling loved.

By the end of the movie there is not much to say. Your mind just races at the un-fathmableness of it all.

One of the only things I could think of was a line in the song, "When Satan is VANQUISHED and JESUS IS KING" which lead me to think of, "He loves us, OH HOW HE LOVES US".

I don't add pictures to my blog's often. I'm not completely sure as to why this is since i love taking pictures. When it comes to my writing, however, I just tend to let the grammatically challenged-hopefully Holy Spirit inspired-sentences speak for themselves. Yet, the NEAT thing about this picture, the one at the top of this post ...hahaha is I took it myself. That is MY hand. That was MY butterfly! Well, at least one out of the hundreds I saw the last few months. I simply found him on the ground, barely alive. If you look closely His little wing on the left was torn. The Lord let me pick him up and spend some quality time with the lil' broken fellow. Finally, at the end of the day I set him in a tree for peace and rest.

The Lord was like, "This is what I do for YOU! I find you by the road and I see that you are broken. This devastates my heart because you are beautiful and I love you! I pick you up and carry you to safety. You don't have to love me back...I know this. I just want to spend time with you even if you don't understand why! You may still feel broken, but I am the only one who can truly help you fly! You'll never really know how much I love you, but please let me show you. And if you let me I promise, I shall bring you to peace and rest!"

It's funny- a few months ago that blog post was just me looking for the Lord and trying not miss out on the world. He turned it into an amazingly, orchestrated event later- that spoke to me so sweetly. He wants the butterflies, every last one of them.

Many are lost, fluttering in utter darkness- blind of the Love He has. We are the light, we are the ones who MUST see them along the path. It doesn't matter how dark their path is. It doesn't matter if we think they could never POSSIBLY come to the Lord. As the church, it is our job to act in faith. We are the ones who must pick them up, and carry them to safety.

We are the ones who must show them Furious LOVE.

Love. Faith. and Prayers.

~Shattering Statistics

...When We Walk By Butterflies...

2010-08-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

A few days ago i was walking to class from uptown. For those of you who don't know, uptown is basically a downtown filled with numerous wonderful things. One of the main buildings has been torn down, so there is this little area of gravel, holes, and a lot of grey. Walking past the construction zone this ignoramus, monarch butterfly fluttered between me and the chained fence. There was a guy walking the opposite direction of me. He was doing some hardcore texting and totally missed out on the goliath butterfly. It was a shame and I stopped to consider how many times God's sent me something glorious, and I had been busy on MY phone. It's not just with butterflies...

I am an R.A. (in the coolest, freaking dorm ever), and our building is notorious for the internet crashing. Take 119 or so, un-airconditioned, 17-18 year olds, and strip them of their Facespace/Youtube/Skype or any form of internet and it quickly becomes extreme anarchy. To get a better picture, just imagine that scene from Return of the King, when the army is coming to destroy everything and everyone knows everyone will die, ya...that about does it justice. But, here's the irony of it all, suddenly the hermit-lonely, newbies have created unity of an extraordinary picture. Regardless of being different colored, having different backgrounds, or being uncomfortable to meet one another- they suddenly all had ONE THING IN COMMON: UNHAPPINESS. hahahaha I'm terrible for laughing, because as R.A.'s I should not want my students living in agony. People we're running around talking to one another and I sat back to think about that. WOW....here we are, a mini community of PEOPLE, who would rather drown ourselves in finding companions online - when there are over a hundred new people in the same building to meet. At this point I wanted to screw up the internet for the rest of the year. It truly is more of a waste than a help (and I say this hypocritically, as I use it right now writing, along with itunes, skype, and facespace windows open as well).

Both of these scenarios reminded me of the blessings God gives us that we miss daily. We miss the kids laughing in the fountains. We miss the sunshine on our face, because it makes us hot. We miss the joy in the face, of the old lonely man walking his dog. We miss the person in their room crying from homesickness. We miss the chance to make a friend, maybe a best friend.

It's a sad day, as a nation, when we trade neighbors, family, friends, and the world for fake interaction. I'm not here to bash. I'm not here to say i hate technology- because, I don't, in fact i truly love it. I text more than some Jr. High girls; I use Facebook religiously; and I feel the need to once in a while still feed my stupid Neopets. (*pushes glasses up* waving to all geeks out there). But for real, gosh I'd HATE living without all of it...but, it's a love-hate relationship.

I just wanna encourage you all with my stance to start putting down the laptop and phone a little more often.

I wanna see the Butterflies.

I'm not missing out

anymore.

Faith and prayers.

~When God Sends us Fireflies~

2010-06-21T14:21:00.001-07:00

So the last week has been unrealistically bad. It involved:
-failing a math exam
- blowing my front left tire
- arguments with people who meant the most to me
-an art project going aerie after hours of work
-people saying the wrong thing at the complete wrong time, without knowing it
-missing my most favorite yearly event: Church camp (b/c of school)
-being blamed for things I did not do
-cats peeing in front of my door
-saw someone that brought back bad past relationships
-yams going bad
-A holiday that only reminds me of past pain
-a dentist forgetting an appointment
-and...someone stealing my left rearview mirror

It is funny, in the least funny way possible, how everyone at some point seems to be on a losing streak. There are moments when we just can't change what is going on around us, and are confused as to why God is allowing it all to occur. Regardless of these moments feeling as though our world has ended- God DOES send us blessings. Sometimes we are simply unwilling to watch them occur...and other times the reality of truth in them almost hurts worse than the original instance. Here are some moments that God sent me as examples...

When my test was failed, after I have tried more than most have to do well in this crazy summer class, I felt defeated. I walked down to the next building to microwave some Tai Pei (orange chicken by the way mmmmm) with a look on my face probably seeming like I had just witnessed WW3. In my feeble mind I argued with God over the whole matter of why He seemed to make me so mathematically illiterate. To me He seemingly could have just given me math skills so I could get outta the class easily and minister to people for Him. (I tend to be a very logic driven person- so OBVIOUSLY this made more sense then whatever God wanted to allow). At the very moment of arguing my final point to Him, I turned around and saw a boy who had a terribly crooked leg. The little fella walked, clinging to his cane while limping about. That was a humbling moment in the math ordeal of my life. I could fail 1000 math exams and still be able to walk/run/ride a bike/skateboard; easily do things this boy would always have to work above and beyond for. I laughed and mentioned to God i bet this boy was good at math hahaha, but the point of the story is clear enough.

On the side note of my tires, I knew there had been something wrong with them. I could feel them not working as soundly as they'd done in the past. Well, one day I was talking to Jesus on the way to school and said, "God- if my tires are gonna blow, could you maybe allow it to occur on my way to math class? I just really need a break from math class." Quickly God answered (He always tends to answer quickly so I can't think I am talking to myself. My friends Tyler and Eric find this hysterical btw), but ya He answered with a, "Oh, they will next week". I laughed to myself thinking OBVIOUSLY I'd just thought up this in my (ignoring the fast response). Then on the way to math, the very next week, I felt a grinding in my gas peddle. I was worried something was wrong and pulled over to find my very scary looking tire. Right then The Holy Spirit whispered, "Told you". Long story short- a friend brought me coffee, I got new tires put on the front, a free tail light replacement, and got back to school at the very end of ...you guessed it, MATH class.

Regardless of my art going hay-wire, my friend has come to visit me on a regular basis to check I don't lose my mind.

Regardless of arguments and getting blamed for things I didn't do Two friends brought me frozen yogurt to cheer me up.
Regardless of my new dentist marking the wrong appointment- I got a free appointment today (... although the many visits to come shall NOT be hahha) Not to mention He is from my old home town.
Regardless of a holiday i really never ever celebrate, my church family haha almost forced me to eat with them as well as reminding me that although I missed camp- I have another group of church members who care greatly about me
Regardless of being hurt by family, other family stepped up with encouragement when I never expected them too
and
Regardless of being haunted by past memories- a friend who I haven't talked to in a very long time called- cheering me up, showing there is so much beauty that comes from pain

And, in the moment I felt the most annoyed and alone, sitting in my car at night...not knowing what to do- God sent me a firefly. He flew right into my car, with the reminding me that God will always love me no matter the things I feel so very hurt and set back from. For those who don't know- fireflies are one of my favorite things in the WHOLE world! And,

I guess this entry is mostly to say, that even when we have been on a losing streak...God still sends fireflies.

_faith and prayers_

ps. hope everyone loves the new layout. :) bloggers gotten even cooler than before hahaha

TO KANSAS 4 Ihop but not for the Pancakes....

2010-03-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

There are times in life when God blesses me, so completely overabundantly i can hardly handle it. Obviously any blessing is a ...well, a blessing. (My high school English teacher would be so ashamed of me right there) BUT my point is that sometimes God just almost overdoses are hearts with His POWER and Blessing. He did this with Abraham, when he asked him to leave everything. God then promises to make Abe into great nation. God then blesses anyone who also blesses Abraham and Abraham's family as well. THATS INTENSE.
I genuinely felt like God called me to leave everything and then sent me to Kansas. It may not have been leaving my nation as Abraham, but if you've ever driven to Kansas you realize how far of a drive it is! HAHAHA, anyhoo- the presence of God was so richly intense on our trip. When you pack 7 crazy kids in 2 cars, for a week long trip of Jesus, you gain this impact like none other. To be honest if I took the time to type out all our adventures and moments it would take FOREVER, and no one would ever take time to read it- so i am merely going to give some bullet points and highlights!

bLeSsInGs:

* Originally i was concerned for unity. If you have ever seen the breakfast club- our group had about that dynamic, give er take the drugs and bad hair styles. :) hahaha but for real, God blew our minds. He took the 7 of us and created this mini family within each other. I was blown away by the different gifts and hearts of each member. The boys are men seeking Christ as hard as they possibly can. They have servant hearts and humble personalities. The girls, who i already consider to be two of my best friends, are extreme sisters in Christ. The spirit of us all together is a hysterical one, but Jesus is a God of laughter and I think He genuinely got a kick out of it as well.

* The neat thing about IHOP is it is the most relaxed yet intense place i have ever been. There is a Holy Dwelling of the Lord there and it is evident that you can never get away unchanged. The ability to sit in the prayer room, surrounded by other believers who are completely sold out for Jesus, studying the Word for HOURS is amazing. The atmosphere is so great though with band praising God and prayer being voiced the entire time. Not to mention when Misty Edwards starts singing it is genuinely as if her voice knows the very presence of God. I had been asking God for a week of Bible Reading. That I have found is just incredibly hard to come by, since as many of you know i tend to be WAY to busy. but He accomplished that when sending me there. I could just sit and read and read and read. It was growing, nourishing, and wonderful.
Then there is also something called the awakening service. Coming from a very Baptist'ish background it was completely overwhelming for me. I watched people fall out in the spirit and prophesy over one another as if it were second nature. Aside from the overwhelmingness over it all i watched as people have backs healed, left feet healed, sores vanish- and SO much of Jesus just showing up in miraculous ways. It is Biblical for people start crying out for God to answer them- and He is blessing Kansas for doing so.
During one of the awakening services i was just a little to overwhelmed so i went to the very far side of the room to try to get away from everyone and draw. During this time a little boy ran up and sat with me, complementing on how well my art was looking. Soon his two brothers, four little asian kids, and a few others ran up. Within this time my friend Kathryn had sat down with me and i looked over to her astonished and wondering where all these children even came from. It was as if they were poppin outta the ground like daisies = absolutely ridiculous! We started dancing and just playing with them. The hearts of kids are so honest and it never fails to amaze me why Jesus wanted them to come to Him. They didnt ask God to prove things, they merely believed Jesus for who He truly was/is. Kathryn and I just sort of assume to gain child like faith is by hanging out and acting like kids WITH KIDS, so we put it into practice. While playing, Kathryn asked one of the original boys to pray over her head because she had been getting headaches that were not going away. The boy then prayed "Jesus, please heal Kathryns head." Oddly enough afterwards she asked him how he knew her name and all he said was, "I dont know your name?" hahahaha. Amazing how much Christ loves kids, and how much He truly talks to them. They listen and hear clearly when taught to. I pray one day my children will gain a download of Jesus love and power as well!

*We made friends from Virginia tech. A cup we never flicked flew across almost a ways-hitting one of them. Since that point we became united hahaha. It was really neat because i kept ending up sitting by this one guy every time we were all in the prayer room. I figured it was important so I would sit praying for him every time I saw him. I dont know that I have ever prayed over someone ive never truly met so much. Turns out he was one of the virginia tech kids.Later He ended up being one of the kids praying over me for our school. Further along in the week God had told me to get a smoothy. I really didn't want one, but after arguing for a while I just went ahead and got one. This lead me to an amazing conversation with one of the Virginia tech gals. Its so cool how God dynamically appoints us to be a church body widespread, cross our own country, as well as others. It's always amazing when people from different parts gather from everywhere merely to be touched by God and receive divine prayer. "The Body has many members" is not an exaggeration, it does, and i am almost always blessed by them. As Amanda would say, "its simply brilliant"

* Some quick fun things that happened:
-Scaring the fellas (please asked/call me so i can relay this...its just more fun to tell a little more in person)
-tree climbing
-eating at ihop at 2 in the morning...the pancakes not the prayer place hahaha
-sitting in the guys room just getting to know eachother and laughing. Man laughter IS medicine and SO good for the soul.
-telling stories in the car
-playing the random question game
-going for that random walk we all went on- then buying that silly icey
-meeting Douge...or whatever his name was from Cali (ben...his name was ben)
-dancing like crazies
-singing for hours
-watching eric do disturbing things to tyler
-praying together
-FELLOWSHIP

....i guess to sum it up, Phil Wickham does it wonderfully :

"WHEN WE ARRIVE AT ETERNITIES SHORE, WHERE DEATH IS JUST A MEMORY AND TEARS ARE NO MOREEEEE. WE'LL ENTER IN AS THE WEDDNG BELLS RiNG. HIS BRIDE WILL COME TOGETHER AND SING YOUR BEAUTIFUL!"

faith and prayers...from my heart to all of yours. <3

~The Summer Vs. Tom Theory~ Brought to you by Hollywood and my brain!

2010-01-27T17:25:00.000-08:00

Recently I watched 500 Days of Summer. If you have yet to see the movie, fair warning- this blog will spoil the ending so you may NOT want to read. The artistry of it all was incredible, & everything from their clothes to the set was brilliant. It had almost a Stranger Than Fiction'esk type of feel to it, but was exceedingly more wonderful. So, ya, if you don't want a spoiler do not proceed to read (hehehe that rhymed) :)

Anywhooooo, I had a love hate relationship with this movie. I adored the plot and ending because I tend to be a realistic, cynic who pathetically is a romantic at heart. SO-in this case, the movie was perfect for me (and my ridiculous lack of attention span) because:

I hate when the protagonist always gets what he wants... realistic movies are an oxymoron conundrum to me. If he falls for the girl, he's obviously not ALWAYS going to win her in the end. (Yes, even you Matthew Maconahay, Will Smith, or in this case Joseph Levitt).

Yes, i am the jerk that was stoked when our hero failed to get the girl.

Here we have Tom, a believer in love and destiny. To Tom these concepts are intertwined and Summer is his not to tie them together. Summer, however, sees love as mythology and ridiculousness. She firmly believes that no one really finds that "perfect someone" yet precedes to date...or "not date" Tom. While the boy falls more and more in love, and thinks the girl is falling too, things fall apart like sand through Toms fingers. Summer ends up getting engaged to a different man...and Tom can not level with himself as to WHY and HOW this could even happen. Closer towards the end Summer finds Tom sitting at a bench they once sat at together, now married, and explains how he was right, people can fall in love with that one amazing person...she was just not his. Tom, at the very finale of the movie, gets out of the greeting card business to work as an architect which he always wanted to do. He is sitting, waiting on an interview and meets a girl, who he suddenly realizes is "different". It ends with his someone being named Autumn and them going out for coffee. His season of Summer was over ;) ...

WHEW, ok... obviously i am not here to write a movie review, I am here to level a few points I truly loved.

Everyone at some point can relate to either character. At a time in most lives, people seemingly are like Tom, and want to commit everything to a Summer, only to receive rejection. The "Tom's" also seemingly find themselves lonely and broken by realizing this one person they chose to love decides to not love in return.

Then there is Summer. As much as we tend to slightly hate her character in the movie, it almost seems that everyone is someones Summer at some point in life as well. Everybody is always loved by that one person you just know deep down is not the "1" for you. This leads to you having to reject a Tom or two...for both of your goods. Although, I will point out that hopefully we do things differently than her. If ever in the place of being Summer, we need to be careful to not take advantage of the Toms who love us dearly.

Its that weird concept that everyones Tom...is someone else's Summer.....and vise versa.

BUT, after the movie i was struck even deeper with the concept that we are sometimes Summer to God. We can invite him into our life. We can choose to love Him, yet somehow don't realize His DEEP, WONDERFUL, & AMAZING love for us. He is a Tom. He never gives up or stops fighting for us. We can stab Him in the heart with careless things we say or do. We can slap him in the face...and yet....Tom (our God) pursues.

The even crazier concept is even if we take the ring of someone, something, some place, ANYTHING else....our Tom still wait for us. We can marry our problems, but it doesn't matter- he sees us as THE ONE. THE ONLY. He is willing to fully surrender His life for us. To die for us. No matter what we choose.

so the question is...... Do we choose Tom? or do we choose the one thing/thought/future/ hope we thought was better, when to them/it/place/job (insert whatever) we are just a Tom.

From being a Tom once in my life, I realized I never want to be a Summer to someone else...

I truly can not imagine making someone feel as broken as the Summer in mine.

so the question is...how much AM I a Summer to Jesus?

How many times throughout my day do I hurt Him when He loves me so? It's not even that He is "Just a Tom" because with Jesus NO ONE is better or will be better. He IS and WAS our lover...

Just some thoughts to Muse and Chew During the advance of my epic, hated, least-favorite holiday......*cough Feb 14th*. The cool concept is that my holiday/life/goals/anything can keep being redeemed bc I am choosing to Love the Tom who was really my #1 all along. His name is Jesus, and oh how He loves me.

~Faith and Prayers~

~The Finger of God~

2009-11-01T14:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so just to start out, if you have never seen the movie The Finger of God, and you want to intensely stretch your faith YOU MUST WATCH THE MOVIE.

Yesterday, on Halloween, since i already stated in my last post that I do not celebrate it, a few of we the believers of Jesus joined together to watch this movie. Four of the 9 of us there had seen it. The other 5 were completely blown away.

Granted, until you see it...you can't even comprehend. Americans tend to see Christianity as boring. Anyone watching this movie though will be completely ruined for Jesus in every way, shape, and form. It was awesome finally getting some of the others to watch the movie with us. Afterwards, we all sat there completely in awe of how flippin SWEET Jesus truly is. This lead to prayer for an hour or longer (probably longer). But, ya just praying and lifting one another up was amazing.

We did not pray for the normal, everyday prayer requests. In fact, if someone were to randomly sit in on our prayers people might think we we're a lil' off our rocker. Heres the cool thing though. Since last night, one of the girls lead her friend to Christ, one of the guys healed an old lady, and things are getting CRAZIER by the day! The even cooler thought, is "Greater things are yet to come". Jesus IS the 1 and only God of this city, of every city so we plan on acting out what He did.

SO- I figure that most of you who read my blog are the ones completely blown away by Jesus. (minus maybe one or two of my atheist friends who think i am nuts ;) but i love that u guys read it anyway hhahaha) But, ya- for those of you who do wanna understand the AWESOME things God is doing in the world, there will be a link to this movie. Granted, its on youtube, and it will take a while to get through- but i promise, whole heartedly you will NEVER be the same again. Regardless if you think its nuts, regardless if you want to ignore it, regardless if you fully believe- you will leave changed.

soooooooOOoooo0000000oooOoooooo i leave the choice up to you. I only know and understand that Jesus wants to move in lives of ppl willing and ready. So i wanna help spread awareness and opportunity for others to hear and see what is going on.

Aka: This is for those of you who want to change the way we view Christianity and step out in faith...

The Finger Of God

Faith and Prayers (because Jesus is ALIVE and active)

-_-_October Prayers_-_-

2009-10-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

So the other day was interesting. Whenever I ask God to help me listen/walk in the Holy Spirit weird things happen. That particular day lead me to sit outside the local coffee shop once again. Nothing abnormal about that until I ended up talking to a witch. Not only did i have the opportunity to talk to said witch, I had the opportunity to give the ENTIRE Gospel to this person. What a crazy thing!?!?! I have only had the privilege to do that on 3 other occasions in my life, so I always take it as an absolute privilege. Giving the Gospel to anyone is a privilege, but having the chance to talk to someone who looks at the Gospel as the enemy is always amazing. Granted, I sat there and plead the blood of Jesus over myself and this person the entire time for safety, but I love to think that is why God lead me there. Every day is a process of learning all the reasons I was taken out of my Jonah of a whale school and brought to Nineveh. After having a two hour conversation I finally backed out to work on my paper for English and pray. I love the reality of prayer, it is intense and healing. I wanted to be completely covered after going to war like that though- so i texted a few ppl just for coverage. I'm in no way going to battle alone. =)

The even cooler thing is God sent so many ppl my way. My friend later ran into me cuz God helped her find me, to pray in person. MAN, JESUS IS SO RAD U ALL....so rad.

Anyway, I'd like to finish by stating my outlook on Halloween. I'm not apologizing for what I am about to say, or who it might offend. As we come to the place in October I pray protection over all of u. Satan comes as innocence, and I suppose the reality is that Halloween seems just as that. I honestly beg to differ. As much as Christmas or Easter mean something to we believers, Halloween means celebration to my friends involved in Wicca, Druidism, or any type/ sect of witchcraft. Everything from jackolanterns to dressing up has a purpose and point to them. As Christians, I feel as though we need to break free from looking like the world, especially in the case of something as dark as this holiday.

In talking to a girl I have the privilege of discipling, it was so eye opening hearing her perspective on Halloween. Here is a girl who grew up in Jamaica, fully relying on Christ and seeing Christianity in a different light. When her family later moved to the states she was completely shocked that Christians would participate in Halloween. She honestly had never even heard of it, but was stunned to see people who believe in a very real Satan/Demonic force, participating in something made to worship the enemy.

The stance i have taken on Halloween has forever been annoying to many of my Christian friends. Here's my point in blank though. Witches are real. Demons are real. Satan is real. To say any of the above is unreal as a Christian is completely ignorant. And, I challenge- before going around innocently to get candy and dress up, look into what the symbolism is in all of it. Spend some time talking to a witch (although they are very secretive of the truth, so it might be better to just read some books on the subject). Learn of the many things that take place on October 31'st. THEN instead of dressing up for candy, lets join forces and pray.

Pleed the Blood of Jesus over souls this weekend. Lets make a cause for Christ, instead of ignorant, selfish motives. Lets be different.

~Faith and Prayers~

///Resting in the Lord\\\

2009-10-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

Resting in Jesus is not easy for me. It is something that takes planning and effort. I am very much a Martha and never a Mary (Luke 10:38-42). I have always grown up being that kid who pretty much has keys to the church bc she's there so often. When it comes to retreats- we'll they make my heart enthusiastic for sure! SO, naturally when i found out my college campus crusade was hosting a fall retreat i was real stoked to go. God was really wrestling with my heart over the matter. He kept asking me to rest in Him. After really struggling over going, I had a friend offer to get coffee w/ me. Her and i started talking and she saw the frustration of going that i was wrestling over. She then offered her house to me for the weekend of the retreat. There i could go and just rest in God. I would be free of schedules or details. It could truly just be me and God, along with Godly sisters in Christ. The awesome thing was I was praying God would give me an alternative if He truly did not want me to go, so i gratefully took her up on it.

This weekend was awesome. My friend, her roommate, and myself ended up having such a great time in Jesus. We got to all practice the instruments we are learning to play, while praising Jesus. There was prayer and encouragement for one another. One of the girls mothers is going to Israel. This lead to the unique opportunity for us to write prayers for the wailing wall. That was unbelievably cool to me, no lie. My tiny little rolled up, glued paper is off to another side of the globe to represent a prayer amongst a million. The wall has significance of people still believing in a God who still moves and still answers. I loved that thought.

The three of us started talking about how cool it would be if we could find our very OWN wall, near campus to use for prayers. Just as a unique place and symbol to go too and give our requests to God. Obviously all three of us pray through out the day regardless BUT nevertheless we prayed for a wall.

This weekend was also a time to let things go. One of the girls and myself went on a walk to get rid of memories. Lately God has truly convicted me about COMPLETELY giving things over to Him. It seemed as though He is begging to redeem me, and no matter what I did I couldnt just let Him. SO He brought to heart the song Ocean Floor by Audio A. I have always loved this song since I was little, and it was so cool that He kept bringing it to heart. SO I wrote down all the things that I just felt like i never truly give over to God. The things satan always seems to try to dangle in front of my face as failures. I wrote them down and went on this walk. I wanted to do an act of forgiveness that this song brings forth. I assumed I needed a few things, so I started praying for a lake, a boat, and a rock. My friend who was with me was still praying for a wall and the things necessary for her to give things over to Jesus as well.

So we come to this place and it was significant to both of us. Here lay a big pond, so i had a nice sized body of water which i was looking for. Then there we're tons of rocks to choose from to attache my note too. We walked down this little hill to where you could see the water. There was a wall beside us. We tried to ignore the spray painting on it and just took in the view. It was attached to a nice little birds nest you could walk onto and overlook the water, which i could throw my rock from. This was exciting to me, because now a boat to the middle of the lake was not necessary. There was a door in the little birds nest tower, and my friend pointed out that it was for a boat. I was very excited to see that Jesus showed me how He provides other ways, but always answers our prayers. Before going to pick out my rock i turned to read the spray painted wall. It was slightly hard to read at first. I started reading and my friend started reading too. We finally got it and we're totally taken aback. "Fear Nothing". The three of us have been praying that God start doin CRAZY things through us. We want to do things the apostles did, and we firmly believe we can. We plan to walk on water. The awesomeness of the ordeal is that it was not your ordinary spray painting. This was not graffiti, this was written with a message and a purpose, by someone who wanted to relay a message. We we're stunned and looked out on the water. Then my friend said, "Tara, LOOK AT THE WALL! Theres tons of holes." This is significant, because the Wailing Wall has tons of cracks in it. THIS WAS OUR WALL. It came with authority in Jesus name. We we're so amazed at Gods awesome Grace, Love, and Amusingness! From that moment i found a rock, taped my burdens onto it, walked up to the lil tower overlooking the water- and tossed out my burdens.

Audio Adrenalin. Ocean Floor:

The mistakes I've made

that caused pain
I could have done without
all my selfish thought
all my pride
the things I hide
you have forgot about
they're all behind you
they'll never find you
they're on the ocean floor
your sins are forgotten
they're on the bottom
of the ocean floor

my misdeeds
all my greed
all the things that haunt me now
they're not a pretty sight to see
but they're wiped away
by a mighty, mighty wave
a mighty, mighty wave
your sins are erased
and they are no more
they're out on the ocean floor
take them away
to return no more
take them away
to the ocean floor

It also went along with the poem i wrote a long time ago on this blog about "tossing pebbles out to sea, toss them out and set them free" (thats a link to the poem) But ya, there was just a significance of rocks and water with burdens being lifted for me. SOOOOooooOOooOOOOooOOoooOo I took it literally.

These are just a few of the awesome things God is doing. It only gets more and more exciting as the weeks go on. I am so glad to no longer be a Jonah in the bottom of a whale. Instead I get to venture forth like Paul or Barnabas.

Needless to say it was a unique weekend, that will help play out the rest of the year. I am so thankful God is teaching me to rest in Him. I pray that I keep striving towards learning to be a Mary.

~Faith n' Prayers~

..:Willing to Fight the Commotion:..

2009-09-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

So today, after class, God told me to go to our town coffee shop. The first thought that came to mind was out of laziness.

I was all, "buttttt Gooodddddd, its all the way up town! i dont feel like walking that far. can't i just go back to my dormmmm?" (yes i talk to God in a whiney voice sometimes...hahaha but He likes it when I am honest).

He answered with, "Go to the coffee shop and meet with Amanda ."

The weird thing about it all was the time of day. It was still the afternoon and she normally wouldn't be there until later. SO, me being lame, I tried to convince God that His plan was silly, while walking towards the coffee shop. Regardless of me trying to convince Him of anything, I knew if He said go get coffee...I had to go.

SO...i got to the coffee shop and He told me to sit outside. "shouldn't i go in God?...shouldn't i get coffee?"

His reply was, "No, wait here outside, she isn't in there."

SO i sat. I sat for a good while just doing homework. I sat reading homework so intently that i barley noticed anyone walking up until Amanda said hello. By now i should never be surprised when God orchestrates anything. Shamefully i do confess though, i was quite shocked to see my friend standing there.

She smiled and said, "God told me to go to the coffee shop and wait for someone, i don't know who...but He said go".

Shocked i looked at her and smiled. "WELLLLL, its funny you say that", I replied, "bc God told me to come here and wait on you!"

we got coffee and just sat chatting. It was a joyful awesome time. I love meeting with her. She is such a blessing and encouragement in my life. After a wonderful time together of catching up she looked down the sidewalk.

"OHHHHHHHH....i knew i was supposed to see him sometime today, i just didnt realize he was the one i was meeting here" she exclaimed.

Up walks our friend Erik. He stops at our table, smiles, and said hi. IF the story hadn't been weird enough already, this is how it went:

me- "what are you up too"

erik-"Well, i just felt God telling me to go to the coffee shop"

(amanda and i bust out laughing)

me- "well the story gets better"

amanda- "SOOOOOOO BETTER!"

me- "basically, after class, God sent me here to wait on amanda."

Amanda- "and God told me i would see you today, and later sent me here to get coffee as well."

it was all just really awesome. all three of us we're there for specific reasons. the whole thing was really awesome and totally God moving in crazy God ways. It reminded me, if anything, to always listen and go. Regardless of it not making sense or being silly. Regardless of me feeling crazy...I need to always listen and be willing to follow the Holy Spirit. He comes as a faint whisper in such a noisy world. I want and pray to get to a place where He comes as a mighty roar. That His voice is the 1st thing i hear. Over all the noise. over all the complications of life. over all the schedules, meetings, classes, and everything. I want to b able to listen and hear what he is saying.

its such a crazy thought. What if we Christians, all started living out what the Holy Spirit was TRYING to communicate with us. If we learn to be still. If we learn to seek what He is calling of us...how much more could we change the world? How much more divine would our conversations be? How much more willing would people be to hearing the things of Jesus, if we lived them out daily.

I want this. I long for this. and I am willing to fight the commotion.

<3 Come Be the Lover of Me <3

2009-09-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

In times of friction

where my heart is at odds

in times of sorrow

when my life feels with out cause

hear me listen

calming my soul

un-bury my burdens

come make me whole

Chorus:

You Breathe

and you cry

with me

by my side

and You long just to dance

for me just to glance

at Your face

in the Light

and Here is my plight,

oh God

come be

come be the Lover of me

and as i sit here

in my glorious pain

i feel revelation

it comes down as rain

pitter patter

here it comes now

it collides peace and love

pouring down from above

and im amazed...yes im amazed

Chorus:

You breathe

and You cry

with me

by my side

and You long just to dance

for me just to glance

at Your face

in the Light

and here is Mour plight,

oh God come be,

come be the lover of me

bridge:

Liberator

Crusader

fill me here

fill me now

Father

Redeemer

push me far

and somehow

Champion

Deliverer

tear my pride

bring me joy

my hope is in You

only in You

come be the Lover God,

come be the Lover of me.

-He loves me, He loves me not...HE LOVES ME-

2009-09-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

You Send Me Chocolate in the mail

along with flowers without fail

friends to my door to call my name

friends from afar also came

You send me music to my heart

while painting pictures through my art

the Leaves that fall upon the ground

show your love is all around

my heart is full in times of pain

you hold me in and out of rain

the sunlight feels as a hug

its like Your arms are wrapped snug

I taste and see that you are here

I breath and sing that you are near

The breeze is gentle on my face

just as a Father, You embrace

No longer Jonah running afar

God I am glad, to be where you Are

this plan that Your giving is grand and intense

its larger than life, its oh so immense

Guide me the way now

never let me doubt

ill follow Your footprints wherever You lead

Be with me for always, this i do plead.

~Because God Sent Me Chocolate~

2009-09-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

So today I got 3 e-mails from the package center. I went down and retrieved my little boxes and rushed to my room to open them up. I knew what was in all of them, because I had ever so nicely requested mom and grandma to send me some things I'd left at home. Then there was the idea of chocolate. I asked mom to send some Dove and Reeses bc they r my fave EVER. ...but for real. So I finally open the box w/ food, snacks, & most importantly MY CHOCOLATE! As a girl, i'd felt slightly deprived of it. Every year i had brought a couple bags w- me to start off the year right... except for this year.

After popping a couple pieces in my mouth and smiling contently I walked out in the hallway to throw away all the empty boxes. As I walked by one of the rooms I noticed a friend really sadly sitting at her desk. This disturbed me so I went over to talk to her. After finding out she was having a bad day God started talking to me. (this is the just of His and I's conversation... it really did go such as this...)

"Go get her chocolate, to brighten her day!"

"WHAT?!?! NO! I JUST GOT MY CHOCOLATE! IVE BEEN WAITING TWO WEEKS FOR IT."

"So go get some for her"

"WHY!?!? its MY chocolate. Not hers. She doesn't know I have it, so it won't make a difference if I don't share it."

"Tara, go get her some"

at this point I turned to the girl and asked her if she would like me to give her something to cheer her up. She smiled a bit and said she'd love that. Just then her roommate walked into the room, as I went back to mine for my precious chocolate. When I got to my room I pulled out my stash and grabbed some chocolate for the sad girl. THEN God started talking again.

"What about the roommate?"

"...what ABOUT the roommate?"

"well, shouldn't you give her some as well?"

"WHY!!?!?!?! SHE'S NOT EVEN SAD!?!?!"

"it would be rude to give it to the sad one and not the other wouldn't it?"

"GOD ITS MY CHOCOLATE! I KNOW ITS PETTY BUT I'D LOOKED FORWARD TO THIS! PLEASE DONT MAKE ME! ITS MYYYYYYYYYYY CHOCOLATE!"

"...no, its MY chocolate..."

"...ok, ya thats sorta true...but for real? do i really have too?"

i sat there trying to calculate and estimate, in my head, how much chocolate I would have if I shared with the roommate too. Then I realized how stupid and selfish I was acting. The four year olds at church would share their gold fish before I was willing to give up my silly chocolate. Thats when I started talking to God again, as I grabbed enough for the roommate as well and headed back to their room.

"I'm sorry God. It's yours. Everything is yours. I am being so petty right now. BUT could you redeem my chocolate and somehow give it back at a different time?"

"maybe, we'll see"

"ok, I can settle for that."

so i went to the room and gave the sad girl and her roomate chocolate. they we're both very grateful and very excited...as they should be! hahahaa jk's. BUT this is not the end of my story...

I went to a praise and prayer time after that and then headed back to my room. This lead to me checking my e-mail again (because thats what you do in college, check e-mail religiously). There in my inbox we're TWO new e-mails from the package center. I thought this had to be wrong, considering the three mom sent. So i went down to the center once again to explain they must have made a mistake. The girl checked her computer and assured me I did have two more packages. She came back, I signed for them, and then left completely confused. I could not for the life of me figure out where one of them was from (the other from grandma- hand sanitizer go figure)

I got to my room and cut open the box. The first thing i saw, sitting all over the inside was CHOCOLATE! TONS AND TONS OF CHOCOLATE. Underneath them we're CHOCOLATE chip cookies as well. It happened to be from one of my moms old friends and completely took me by surprise. I through my head back to laugh at the whole scenario. In less than 2 1/2 hours God redeemed my chocolate for me!

After finally gaining control of myself I called my mother, to tell her of Gods awesome humor. After I stopped talking she laughed and said, "but have you seen the neighbors yet? (our neighbors son goes to the same school as me) have you gotten what I sent with them?" I said no and then my mother busted out laughing.

all of this lead to a SIXTH box coming for me. She had sent some stuff with the neighbor boys parents when they left, and of that "stuff" my mother sent CHOCOLATE.

Its amazing, so so so amazing. With all the things going on in the world. With all the prayers to answer, God chose to answer a simple, selfish request. All I wanted was for my chocolate to be returned somehow, at some point. I figured when asking, it would just be the next time some1 handed me a piece of chocolate. Not in any way, shape, or form did I intend for 4 BAGS worth of chocolate. The whole story is just hysterical, which once again leads me to believe God has the greatest sense of humor ever. I mean, he created laughter right? why would He not be amazingly funny and loving? SO i typed in brown tonight, to tie into the chocolate amusingness!

but ya, Gods just totally awesome!

nite to all

~faith and prayers~

>The Ignorance of a Bookstore<

2009-08-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

Things amaze me. Stupid things, that probably should never have enough value to ponder over...amaze me.

For instance, today I was at a bookstore. My only purpose for being there was to find the last book I needed for class. After a very helpful woman directed me to the little, blue, bound book I looking for I started journeying around the place. There is something with in this scenario that you need to be informed by, I hate reading. If it is not a kick butt mystery or so impacting I can't put it down...well...I put it down. Then said book, sadly, will stay there for the rest of its days, never to be picked up again. For I, the pathetic reader, would rather just watch a movie.

Heres where the irony comes in. I LOVE BOOKSTORES! I like the smell, the aisle, the coffee, the chairs, and the people in bookstores. I could spend hours in a bookstore merely to go around thinking "That looks interesting" or "WOW what a great cover", but never really wanting to take the time to read the books.

...sad, but this is my hypocritical book loving self

Today, after about a half hour of moseying around I had a revelation. After picking up my 5th book then telling myself "HELLO, PUT IT DOWN YOU'LL NEVER TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS". After listening, ever so wisely, I considered this in a church context. This, in and of itself comes with a previous story of the day...

This story deals with a man. He was standing on one of the little brick and cement fences surrounding one of our campus buildings. As I walked by I heard him yelling "YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL! REPENT! REPENT! YOU HAVE ALL SINNED". This slightly amazed me. I have not heard or seen anyone that does this since probably my DC, trip in 8th grade! I went in to grab my lunch and draw a bit. The man didn't leave my mind. After finally finishing my Italian sub, I rushed back outside to simply start a conversation with the man. All I wanted to do was ask him about what he believes to see his opinions. By the time I had arrived outside there was about 20 to 25 people surrounding him. Down front we're my Christian friends and so I rushed down to see and hear what was being said. I was slightly taken aback now, because the man had gone from a "fire and brimstone" sermon to telling us all we we're going to hell, because of our shorts or going to football games. Basically everything being said was ridiculous and had nothing to do with the Bible. My friends we're trying to ask him questions and he literally stopped talking to them. He sang songs about burning in hell. He yelled about burning in hell. And, he belligerently flung his Bible around to make a statement.

I stood there quiet. Listening to them ask how Jesus made wine and didn't go to hell. Or say they wanted to repent and asked him to show them the way. The man was so caught up in telling everyone they we're sinners he missed the entire point of the Gospel. I just watched, broken hearted thinking this is not MY Jesus. My Jesus is not the god you worship. The non-Christians we're annoyed. The Christians we're broken hearted, embarrassed, and angry. And above all else, I think God was sad about the entire scenario.

So this leads back to my bookstore comment above. It kinda made me think about church. How many people come to church and are just in there to "shop around" per-say? They come in and maybe enjoy watching the people interact or sing. Maybe they like just being with in fellowship of "nice people" as it were. AND THEN theres always the free coffee and doughnuts. But, how many people come into church and never buy the book? They never get it. They prefer to read the titles, look at the pictures, and read the back of the book when there is SOOOoooOOooooOO much more! Granted, I do believe that this is some what the church todays fault. When we start to structure ourselves around the "consumer culture" it lands us in a detrimental place, where people completely forget or miss the point. And, as if that we're not enough, there are so many people who truly think they bought the book. They have stood in that one aisle for so long they cant remember why they were there to begin with. Then a random lost soul who was really searching for their book comes across the person staring at the bookshelf. So the complacent, fake reader basically tells the lost store-goer what the story is about, regardless of never reading it. This of coarse then causes the snowball affect of people telling miss truths about the said book when none of them knew they had been mislead. These fine people will also then not truly find a reason for reading the book themselves.

That was my day and the awesomeness was it all went along w/ my devos. Currently I've been reading through Matthew and gleaning lots of good stuff.

eh hem......

"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them....Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but ONLY those who do the will of my father who is in heaven. (then for the really scary part of coarse) Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out daemons and in your name preform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you, away from me, you evildoers.' Matthew 7: 21-23.

BUT, ya...just kinda all worked together. And it leaves me sad and praying for that man. Here he is telling tons of people daily about the book he's never really read or understood. He obviously skimmed the cover and decided He knew enough. It left me wanting to challenge everyone=

we as Christians need to read the books in the bookstore. This way we actually know what we're talking about when people start looking and searching for their book. ANDdddDDdddDDdd lets not just let people go to church. Lets really bring them aside with us and make sure they KNOW what we do. AKA DISCIPLESHIP ;) This would help prevent the lies satan wants to put forward in the world.

thoughts from yours to mine

~Faith and Prayers~

....:A LIGHTHOUSE OF FIREFLIES:.....

2009-08-22T20:51:00.001-07:00

Life comes with so many changes. Currently i feel as though my life is driven around change. Being at a new school and trying to figure people and life out has been so interesting. God is totally moving in every situation.

Thanks to my dorm i am integrated in a realm of asia and lots of cultures. they represent mosaic and its an awesome thing to see. lots and lots of friends that look like the most ridiculous bunch ever. within our group i mostly hang with:
a really calm quite girl, a cali gal, a loud crazy white chick that thinks shes black, a tattoo artist, a poet, a punk rocker, a sporty guy, a chill no talking guy, and a ninja....yes, hes really an awesome, asian ninja. PLUS ME THE NUTTY CHRISTIAN ROCKSTAR NO1 CAN SEEM TO FIGURE OUT hahahahha u should c ppl watch us. its pretty much the greatest dorm ever...i pray God has called me here, but He may move me out...

Thanks to my friend Abram i was introduced to many believers that love Jesus whole heartedly. I love the crusaders and their friendly passion. A few, however, have captured my heart. And Two i believe will be life long partners in ministry. God is calling up some crazy things. With in one day i witnessed so much of my prayers being answered i almost could not take it.
The Two girls have an apartment of campus and i went for a brunch today. Completely being a God thing it turned out that i was the only one to come. This gave us more talking and God time...which lead to crazy crazy awesome things.

All in all, we ended the night with anointing their apartment. We decided it is a lighthouse of fireflies and God is going to do AMAZING things there. God is also going to do amazing things through all of us. With one i entered a partnership and the other...maybe a spiritual strong sister? i feel as though its something more than that, but anyhoo....God is GOING to move here. i can feel it in heart and soul.

alas it is time for bed, and then church w/ a few new friends in the morning

faith and prayers to all who r weary

...:::My Lil' Pirate Puppy:::...

2009-06-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have a little dog. He's about 26 pounds of awesome and it makes me smile to see him. I dont love many things. I like many many things, but love is a strong word. I find that I use it flippently on things I don't realllyyyyy love sometimes. In this case though, when i say i love my dog...i mean it. I love this little guy.

Growing up as an only child is boring as dirt. Parents, don't ever just have one kid! hahaha I was definitely spoiled with tons of toys, which honestly came in handy because i was so bored all the time. When your mother works third shift and you stay at home with grandparents....well, this causes some mental breakdowns of catastrophic measure. Mine came with the fact that i wanted a puppy. So, i pretty much made it my goal in life to prove the world wrong about getting a dog. THe world of coarse being my odd little family, who all swore they'd never want a dog. .... =) hahha ya right, the one GOOD thing about growing up as an only child is that i became a very persuasive person. By the time i was making dogs out of shoe boxes with little wheels to pull them around my family thought it was time. All the neighbors we're very confused about the little girl dragging the rolling tissue boxes around. I'd say my bit of genius came from God and loving art, either way- i got my dog! I bought him with my own money in fourth grade, and i'll never forget the day i went to pick him out. For starters when we went to look at all the little shetland sheepdogs (shelties) in my mind i wanted a black GIRL puppy. right away i saw the "perfect" dog and started to play with her. the problem was this BIG, boy puppy kept coming over and getting in the way. He would come sit on my lap and i could not play with the girl doggy. The lady said right away that this was her SHOW dog and we could not buy him, which was fine with me. Mom, however, took on to the little, boy puppy and kept commenting on how much she liked him. After we went home the lady said she would call us if the people who had wanted the girl dog that i wanted decided not to buy her. This was frustrating because i had waited sooooOOoOoOooooo long to get that dog.

a couple weeks went by.

(weeks to a 4th grader are pretty much years with a different title.)

thennnnnnn one day, the lady called. she explained to mom how all the puppies we're taken accept one. Her show dog had grown over the normal sheltie show dog height. she was willing to sell him to us if we wanted. it was not my original plan but when we went back and he ran over to sit in my lap i knew this friendship was worth it.

That day i took home my puppy. The lady had already named him Bubby, to this day i think its a dumb name, BUT he's the coolest dog ever. Bubby and i went on so many adventures. we saved princess, escaped bad guys, ran a pound (of stuffed animals)....so many adventures with one dog. When i got a little older we learned how to sneak out one of the back yard windows to get away from the neighbor boy, who would always come to call. Who needed annoying boys when my dog was awesome!?! Bubby grew to be the smartest dog ever. That same year i bought Bubby, grandpa died. My doggy then came to MY rescue instead of the invisible princesses we would save every day. Years later he would be around for many many tragic things to occur in my family or with my friends. He is and was the perfect dog for me. The dog was my one consistent thing in life. When i left for college he was there for grandma so she would not be lonely. I have no doubt that God hand selected him, no dog could have suited us more.

its been many grand years with Bubby. He is now 11 or 12 and sadly going blind. This week we had to have his left eye taken out so he would b in less pain. So my poor lil guy has a huge scar, a bulge for an eye, and a cone around his head. The cone is the funniest thing. The dog is still in pain but he is SO annoyed by the cone he doesn't notice. and since i love the dog, i wanna take the cone off and make him comfortable. BUT , then he might hurt the stitches or eye so i know i can not do that.
he whines and looks at me, my little pirate dog, with his one eye begging for me to take the stupid cone off. I know its in his best interest though.

thats when it hit me. That cone reminded me that as i get older and i know how life should/could go, there are times when my mom or God Himself give me a cone. I HATE THE CONES. No one wants a cone head =) ...but sometimes they are necessary. And i pull or hit the cone, but i can't take it off. Only my mother or God can/ will because their timing is best. Its all in my good interest and love that they are driving me crazy with whatever the "cone" it may be.

as i sit here by my miserable doggy, i am reminded that misery is sometimes important to get us to the finish line. to get the stitches off our eyes. to protect us from life. Today, i have decided to be thankful, for my "cone", and i challenge you to be thankful for yours as well.

~faith and prayers~

Greater things r yet to comE

2009-05-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

so my awesome friend joe invited me to go to church w/ him. Shawn Mcbride was gonna b there and so i agreed to come. mom, grandma, and i hopped in the car and drove an hour and a half to joe's small church. his youth group planted it which made the little place even cooler.

and man, what an awesome thing it was!

joe lead worship then joined us on a pew. then the pastor got up and shared the verse from 2 Cor 5:11-15 (i'll leave it to u to read it), and it basically challenged us to evangelize. what we have is so amazing we should be sharing and DOING things to let others know about Christ. NOT just sitting in church.

well this church took this to the streets. the pastor challenged everyone that believes in Jesus to go out into the neighborhood and pass out fliers for a cookout/testimony/sermon/music FUN TIME! this was a stretch for my mom and grandma. my mom knows i do things such as this all the time and never really completely got the purpose of it all.

well some people came to the churches program. we had a nice potluck then the youth group did the lifehouse, everything pantomime. THENNNNN some ppl from the church gave their testimonies with shawn mcbride spoke following right behind.

it was awesome and two people that we're invited from the neighborhood got saved! PRAISE JESUS!

HOW REFRESHING IS THAT?
it was so amazing!
i never in a million years thought id get my mom and grandma out doing this. its what my heart beats for. its fast paced, in ur face MOVING ministry. its a church moving together in motion to do the will of the Lord. iTs not just sitting in pews. ITS GOING OUT and being a light to a dark world.

man...tonight for once i can sleep with a content heart. its so so so good. the Holy Spirit is active and alive!

just sayin
faith and prayers....

.:our chains are gone, we've been set free:.

2009-04-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

There are times in life when God leaves you standing in awe.

There are times when you beg for people to get it.

There are times in life when you pray that peoples hearts would be stirred.

Today in chapel, my prayers we're answered. Yesterday a man came and told us his testimony. It was unreal. I don't even remember his name, all I know is that his story reminded me a lot of my dads. I was left in awe as I watched the man cry because Jesus has truly broken his chains and freed him.
...I have been consistently praying for my father for years...for this same kind of life altering moment where He would find the grace of God. ... it has yet to happen. I have begged God for many things and the last few years have left me feeling absolutely alone and unanswered.
One of the things on my list was for my college campus to be honest and broken before God. Two days ago we had a speaker come talk about stories. About our story. About our story in Christ. He let people write their name on a time line, drawn on this big sheet of cardboard, to prove their story existence. Well to continue with this cardboard concept, and the story concept, today in chapel we wrote our cardboard stories. It started with a line up of about 25 to 30 people. They each walked on stage with their piece of cardboard one by one. The first side told their story, then they flipped it to show how Christ has redeemed or changed them. It was brutally honest and heart jerking in every way possible. The list was unimaginable. The things people have seen, heard, felt, and done was never ending almost. Many we're abused. Many we're self destructive. But, the number one consistency was that they really needed to love of Jesus. I watched, almost in tears, as one by one they flipped their cardboard, and one by one their chains we're gone. Then the rest of campus had the opportunity to write their story on a piece of cardboard and put it up front on the stage as well. ...and almost the entire congregation went down. I've never seen anything like it. It was like the BIGGEST alter call I have ever seen for my school. We all joined together, realizing what we are and who we are. For once, we became family. It was beautiful.
And as I wrote on my cardboard and took it up I realized HOW MANY cardboard stacks there we're....
how many stories
how much pain sorrow tears hatred bitterness loneliness jealousy intolerance we all had ....

and for one moment. one brief moment....

we we're united. maybe all we're different, but our troubles and Jesus love brought us together.

it was beautiful.

my best friend alex and i started praying a verse over our school last year and today that prayer was answered finally. Ephesians 1:15-19 was that verse. And, although I have been asking so much of God and waiting on Him to answer things, today one prayer finally was.

"our chains are gone, we've been set free."-chris tomlin

_painted pebbles, the sky, and hearts_

2009-03-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

im painting pebbles in the dark
painting pebbles of my heart
then ill take them out to sea
toss them out and set them free

there they will sink and there they shall fall
no one shall find them, no one at all
all alone and down there deep
the water makes up for the un-weeped

boats and shadows up above
no longer know of those unloved
the pebbles lonely, lost, and dead
now they are gone, as i look ahead

should i miss them should i care
i shall never, its not fare
they never brought me any good
i did exactly what i should

the pebbles painted with the names
names of lost forgotten pains
cutting through the tests of time
but they are gone, no longer mine

if you find them please dont tell
they represent unwritten hell
leave them be in their sea of black
never bring my pebbles back
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

i grew up taking trips to a lake as a youthgroup. i was on the first trip that ever went actually. its this tiny little place that reminds you of the movieThe Truman Show its so sickly perfect.
the houses are quaint. people ride around on bikes. kids run around till 3 in the morning...because its safe, and they can. dogs stay out tied to trees. cars dont pass by as much as golf karts. everyones friendly and takes time to wave. theres always at least 3 men fishing. theres a bell that chimes on the hours, and no matter how much we pretended that we hated it...we loved the sound of that bell. and every year, every year that i remember...a few of us would wake up, and run down to see the sunrise at like 5 in the morning.

i hate mornings. i hate the idea of mornings. i hate that 5 in the morning exists, and sometimes i refuse to admit that it does.
but id race down with the others, faithfully every-morning- wrapped in a blanket so i would'nt feel as cold and wet...and watch God paint the sky

its still amazes me to think of how fast the sun comes up. ...it just shoots up there once it really starts...but man, ...those were God moments. those moments were amazing.and id sit there on the rocks, smelling the dead fish, watching the sea-gulls, and just ....take it all in. time stopped. it was romantic and enchanting.
those rocks we'd all sit on...well some smaller ones like them back to the lakehouses to paint.

ive got rocks from almost every year. ...this ridiculous group of painted rocks. none of them really had much of a story behind them as to why i painted them as i did...they r just pointless decorations now. ...but i have memories that go along with the rocks. not the rocks themselves...but the people that i was with. the things we did. the adventures we had. the people we met. those rocks...simple stupid rocks have value....

they come with sore feelings as well though. people ending up where they shouldnt be in life mostly. things happening i couldnt control, but watching my friends suffer and then watching consequences of it all. ...and i think to myself, how did we get here? why werent we stronger? what grabbed our hearts and filled them with trash?

...and i guess i wish that my stupid rocks...the ones i painted long ago- were not just memories. i wish and long that they stood through the test of time. that i could go back to those moments, without the differences now. the things that came later. the things that thwarted the happy painted rock memories.

because in those memories is the heart of me. i was my true self. and in some selfish, long-lost way...i wish i could have them back. the innocent times before memories were bent and skewered. now the rocks haunt me somewhat. ...which is where the poem above came from.

dont get me wrong. i love those rocks. i love my memories. they have made me who i am today and i am forever grateful. i just wish those memories could be re-lived. be re-felt. be re-breathed. i wish that they did'nt feel as distant as the sun does when it rises.

...but just as God paints the sun...He will once again paint my heart. This i am certain. This He has promised.

faith and prayers

55....

2009-03-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

i have 55 days to figure out what im doing....

technically less than that. ...im no longer indonesia bound. ...so far my list of events for the summer now is weddings, weddings, and low and behold.....more weddings. .....and work....and planning. thats the thing...i just dont know.

where is God calling

where is He leading

what if im wrong

am i crazy?....crazy in love with a God that demands my craziness and utter stupidity.

it makes no sense

not even to me.

ppl keep asking what my plans are...ive ALWAYS KNOWN...and ...i dont. at all. i have NO idea.

asia

no asia

cinci?

social work

missions

art

... :/ i dont even know if ill get that figured out in this mini week called spring break

this is the point where i wish i had my life story typed out so i can go to stupid chapter 30 (last chapter of this book, of a much bigger series) and figure out where my sequal leads....

my novel almost ended.

the sequel is here yet to come.

ive got 55 pages left but its not fun.

my heart heavy laden,

im tempted to skim.

i wish that the words could be blatant within.

the next books a dousey,

much bigger than this.

the series is huge,

my hands clench in fists.

i feel oh so burdened to know of the next

but my 55 pages

55 pages

55 pages keep me at guess.

the number is cumbersome.

seems more than there is

what shall i do with all of this?

55 minutes tick as i think

55 hours go by in a blink

55 days are coming to close

55 is a number,

not that i chose.

its here

it is real

55 i can feel.

its every hug that may be the last

every song that played in my past

my book is changing

and my friends haunt me so

55 days before i let go.

i wish i could say that i loved it all dear

i wish i could smile

i wish there were tears

but im reading

im finishing

getting it done

please dont assume that im just on the run.

i have 55 days to say my goodbyes

55 days left of trying not to lie

55 days left to say good bye

55 days will come faster than slow

55 days that i want u to know

i dont know the end of my series myself

its not like i can just reach and put it on shelf

but thank you for being here in it now

if your not in the next...

well im sorry

im very sorry

but im glad you were found.

im glad for the 55 best memories with each

im glad for the 55 things i could teach

im proud of the 55 times stopped to pray

im proud of the 55 smiles through the day

im happy for 55 people here too

im thankful

oh so thankful

for each one of you.

i dont know where im going after this book

i really dont know,

but i can not look.

Its up to God

He orchestrates time.

He painted my heart red 55 times

and i dont know that He is still painting red

i dont know where ill be till im dead

the ironys His

Hes writing my book

but He wrote you in

and reguardless of "fin" (end) :)

i forever hold you here

55 times.

....and thats my current heartbeat.

faith and prayers....to not cave or turn into a pansy this week.

~Me.

..:Toothpaste at Walmart:..

2009-03-01T13:37:00.000-08:00

So there are many cool things to do at Walmart. As college students, we learn this pretty quickly. Hide and Seek, Scavanger hunts, or merely shopping with ur buds. What a swellllll idea- Walmart.

My good friends Heather and Brian asked me to venture to Walmart today- for not just a normal Walmart endeavor. Heather and I have a passion for ministry, but mostly- EVANGELISM,...yes i know thats a scary idea to most of u but we live for it.

Anyhooooo

so off we ventured. to be honest though, this time i was more enthusiastic about buying new toothpaste than finding anyone to talk too. lately my passion for ministry has kinda been sucked outta my heart just like the ramon i just vacuumed up from under my roomate and i's carpet.

i hate that im there, but i am....... passion level is sorta at 0. sad sad, but very true.

but, ya so i'm walkin around getting stuff. i'm pretty sure i ran into 3 poles, 2 people, and a shelf...but thats beside the point.

i met a nice lady buying sugar free cookies (ive never fully understood sugar free cookies...its like my lactaid free milk i drink- an oxymoron in a box) we were having a lovely talk till she left abruptly. not only did she leave, i was just gonna ask her what church she went too. woman pushed her cart so fast i though she was in the indy 300.

*rolls eyes* so then i went to the book isle. i had a great convo going with two girls. ...till someone walked in-between us and they ventured off while they had the chance.

then i got a brilliant idea. i decided that i could check out early, and talk to ppl waiting on other ppl- just as i would b waiting on heather and brian. (hehehe heather and i have learned to b quite devious in our ways of talkin). so i check out and stand by the arcade area. theres a girl there that doesnt look too much older than i would b - holding this precious little girl. so i start talking only to find the mom has 4 children, all of which were with a different dad than the little girl. she was adopted and moved from south carolina when she was 15. then lifes just gone as such i guess. she was really surprised at how much her daughter was intrigued with me. she kept mentioning it to her husband (who kinda ignored me till this point) and we talked a good while. i was finally transitioning into spiritual things as they had to leave. O_o booo BUT i'm prayin i meet them again. the mom and i really hit it off.

by now i was sorta bummin out. then i looked back over to the bench i was originally sitting at. there was an elderly man there....

ok, this is the train of thought in the mind of me:

hmmm i could talk to him

no, i dont talk to the opposite sex w/o a guy w/ me

but ive been prayin to have a good God convo and this might b my last chance

...hes old...

dag nabit

ok, God if u wanna use this that would b great

....so i went to sit with Bill.

:) what a great guy. By about 20 min, i learned a lot about Bill and what He thinks about Jesus, baptism, life, catholics, and all sorts of things. It was grand! We agreed pretty much on everything, which is coolio cuz i norm feel like ppl think im psyco in some of my thoughts about the Bible or Christ. It was very encouraging and then all of a sudden Bill goes, "So have u ever thought of ministry?" and i was all, "well, ya ive always sorta had a heart for missions...but i'm just not as sure lately. i feel like i need to get there to know." and he goes, "AWESOME! Go! ...your mature for your age, more than most i've talked too. its good to see. so go do ministry".

hahaha here ive been struggling with life and what to do and things going on...and a simple man, on a simple bench, with a simple name talked from God for about 10 seconds.

So, i got my toothpaste and encouragement all in one! it was an awesome trip to walmart i must say.

Gods pretty amazing. its funny how He uses us when we dont feel like being used, if we let Him. and, i guess till i know...im still painting my heart red.

~Faith and Prayers~

"Life is Beautiful"

2009-02-18T20:54:00.000-08:00

so i just watched the movie life is beautiful. and i am just so beside myself. (it is about a family of Jews taken to the concentration camps. and how the father is doing everything in his will power to keep his family alive. it was heart wrenching and amazing) but idk. my heart is just aching after watching it all. i hate injustice. it tears at my every being of a person. its just wrong, and i cant comprehend how ppl just.... torture ppl. kill ppl. ruthlessly murder ppl bc of some1 else is from a different race. has a different skin color, or language. it just doesnt make sense in my mind.

and its just amazing....its all because of sin. and were all as terrible as i feel about natzi's right now. were all that sick, twisted, and demented.

...im just as bad as them. maybe not on a worldly standard, but to God...its all the same. we all fall short. we all dont make sense in His mind, when it comes to the way we treat eachother

...AND, in comparison, ...

lately when ive heard speakers many of the main points they have talked about have been directed as to who I am in Christ. and no matter HOW terrible i am, i am redeemed and beautiful in my Savior Jesus.

...so life is beautiful. genuinely beautiful

I have come back to the 10 truths in Ephesians 1:3-14

b/c of Christ I AM...
* chosen and called
*Holy
*spiritfilled
*beloved
*Alive
*His Handiwork
*Powerful
*a New Creation
*Made in the Image of God
*a Child of God

and amongst all the heartache
and all the strife
and all the burdens

...i know and can blv that i am those things through Him.

:)

~Faith and prayers~

standing in the lobby

2009-02-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

So God is absolutely amazing me lately.

yesterday i had to do yet another stupid art project and i needed fun crazy paper. so i went over to the print shop we have at school, which just HAPPENS to b located right in our missions organizations building. as i walked around it struck me. i miss this so much. for a while i was thinking maybe it was all in my mind, but its not...i just know. as my eyes scanned pictures i realized its all still on my heart. i'm still passionate about these things that i once was. my building and revolving doors (referring to a previous post) may be coming in clear. like i may be starting to see the lobby of the building, realizing it was'nt so far off from what i thought i was aiming at. anyway, i prayed. i begged God to take me back. Give me a heart for such things again. to let me dream again.

i had stopped dreaming.

but then,
i got a phone call from a friend later that night. it was crazy because the way i met this friend doesnt make sense. honestly, ...we dont hardly know each-other. we met years ago in cali at a youth conference, because i had happened to be on a missions trip with one of his best friends. then last year we found eachother on facebook. we started randomly chatting about leading on the same missions trip (which never turned out) but, regardless we just talk about all sorts of ideas about God and just what we're learning about through Him. Anyway. this guy was going to Indonesia this summer on a missions trip, and i was pretty bummed out about missing my trip to the Philippines. So i had been teasin him about going on theirs once in a while.

so back to the phone call (ya, the rabbit trail made it back hahaha), so i get this phone call from him and basically he was in a meeting for the trip. one of ,the leaders mentioned how they could add another girl to the team if anyone knew someone who would wanna go! my friend was nice enough to mention me! SO long story short, i MIGHT have a chance to go to Indoneisia for about two weeks this summer. the chance to go would b such an answer to prayer

1. i can c if thats really truly where Gods called me
2. it will help me understand what i want to do about school
3. ill finally know.

if this works out the coolest part will be becuase God has totally orchestrated it. It is all so random. its crazy when i think about it. and if things dont turn out ill get there someday. but, i believe God is orchestrating this. He asked me to be patient. i was. i am. im still waiting. but, hahaha if this is where He is leading, He wrote my story better than i could have. :)

this has just been an encouraging last couple of days. i needed it. i need to keep pressing. Gods teaching me He is listening. i knew He was...i just had been haveing a hard time believing it lately. things are coming together though. and i refuse to stop trusting Him.

~faith and prayers and later days-

and the songs keep rolling in

2009-01-27T20:19:00.001-08:00

the stains line my pillow,
though i say i dont care
im feelin alone
with no heart left to spare
and i cant help but wonder
and i cant help but sigh
am i living anymore
or is all this a lie

chorus
where is my heartbeat
where is my dance
where is my happiness
give me a chance
im lost and alone here
broken and bruised
take me
heal me
dont let me lose

im lost in a maze of
questionable pain
i dont understand it
im going insain
and everyone around me
just goes on with life
it seems so pathetic
but theres always strife

bridge
and i sit here
frozen with greif
i dont understand it
i look for relief
and i cry myself to sleep
and wonder where
where did my heart go
please take me there

...all the things left unwritten...

2009-01-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

i miss the girl i used to be
but i dont know if she was real
i miss the heart i used to have
i miss the beat i used to feel

it left as quickly as it came
i dont know why i thirst for new
i feel as if my time erased
gone forever this is true

ive learned a lot these past few years
and as the years have passed me by
i thought i knew myself and them
and now i wonder was it a lie

the things of chosen were at hand
this i understand it to be so
but perhaps my understanding
was in fact my biggest woe

i know i still have that girl
the one who fought and cared
i passed her just the other day
and since that day i have been scared

these memories all float around
as boundless seas of shattered glass
they mock my ever failing heart
the longer that the time does pass

and faces flash before my mind
as paintings only half filled in
the strokes are rough and choppy
and the colors are so very dim

new faces came and were a light
a light much not as brightly shown
my heart doesnt know how to decide
to trust again or stay alone

but as my life is changing paths
i wish they all could be here still
my saddness lingers in the past
and the once red heart was filled

my melodies sing songs of pain
of places that i tread
my writings stack the testing times
but those i plan to read unread

im moving forward in the light
or though the light it seems so pale
im moving forward with or without
so my heart will not fail

my strumming of a different tune
has lead me to a song
but although i try to sing
my heart knows no words to sing along

if i've failed myself or them
i really do not care
but if i've failed the one i love
than that burdens mine to bare

i wait for Him to answer me
Him alone can sustain
so i keep strumming, humming, singing
along to the tune that is my pain

In His time He will avenge
for my heart beat and my tune
someday He will answer me,
this i hope and pray is soon

~: Batman, Revolving Doosrs, ...and a New Frontier:~

2009-01-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

its funny.
i grew up loving superhero's. They were my out to the un-perfect world known as Tara's i suppose. doesnt everyone have their "out" as you might say?
well my out was known as Batman, and he saved me everyday at the same time. He came right after my little, old lady babysitter would watch All My Children. She watched that show religiously and loved it more than i loved Batman (i think).
Right after eating my ice cream (which i was allergic too), bored out of my mind over who was dating whomever's husbands sister from her awful show...Batman would come on and save my sanity. He was consistent at appearing every weekday and to me he was amazing. by the end of the show he had stopped the criminals, with out killing them of coarse (he's just cool like that) keeping Gotham from falling into demented hands in half an hour flat. It was cool on ever level. Sadly, after Batman would end Jeopardy would come on...so i would go to coloring while Alex Tra Beck asked contestants questions that no four year old found interesting (unless the catagory was Disney characters that start with B). This went on for years and Batman was forever my companion in the dark and terrible world of soap operas and old people that smelled like drencher fluid. That whole teeth in the cup thing, teaches a girl how to pee fast and get outta the bathroom like its no bodies buisness.
The older i grow, i still appreciate Batman. No matter if Jim Carrey, is playing the nutty Riddler or if Heath Ledger, is the twisted Joker. I adore all Batman movies. I probably will never grow out of it, and the geek inside me never really plans too.

It amazes me the things that do change though. The little things I grew up loving that almost seem to melt away, as if their very existence is unnecessary anymore. Everyone deals with these changes, in one way or another i suppose. It is almost as if the things that once inspired me have turned into just a mere blur of insignificance. For as long as i could remember art was my heartbeat and would be a means of support while i worked in China, on the mission field. This was my plan and my goal that no one could hinder for anything. Since second grade those dreams had been building and i was sure thats where God called me. Then one day it was like i stepped into this revolving door. I originally had been walking on the sidewalk with all the nice people, before approaching the door. the door must have come invisible at first, because i have no recollection of when i stepped completely in. All i know now is i was in the door long enough to get inside a building. since revolving doors are glass I could still of coarse see those dreams outside, and in fact get back to them at any given time. All i would have to do is jump back in that revolving door and keep pushing towards them.
...but im there, in that building. I don't even know what kind of building is. I don't know who works there. I don't know who owns it. I don't know what the people there do. I don't know WHERE it is located. The building is just this big mystery i could explore at any given moment. The thing is that the people outside the building think it is risky. They hold up posters to the windows begging me to just go back to pushing the revolving doors. I mean, it was my goal right? Me and Gods Goal. I had worked it out with Him. He never said that it was wrong, in fact it always came off as encouraged. The people all point and yell through the glass that once you start searching the building, some people never come back. They leave their revolving door and miss out on their goals. And, although i hear them, see them, watch them tell me this....my heart and eyes wonder what other doors are like in the building. I wonder about the workers and everything in this adventure that could so easily be had. Its so hard though, jumping when you don't know ANYTHING. When you have a map in your mind about that revolving door and then suddenly your also looking into the distance of uncharted grounds that could make for a bigger adventure.

My Dreams were just like my Batman tv show. They came as if to save me from the world that just hurt, frustrated, and consumed me. They never questioned me and I could control them. They were the only thing in my grasp that EVER made sense and were completely up to me. I've even given a lot up for them and meaning to be completely unselfish in doing so. but, now in hind sight, i dont know that God even called me to them, or this picture of what they should have been. He has had me in this revolving door, and i have now stepped in the building. And, i just don't know where to turn. And, although the people call, although the door is glass and i can see my way out...

...i have turned to face the lobby of the building.

im looking around, not even sure i understand anything about it yet....but (this part gets confuzzling so make sure u have your "tara" seat belt on for about ten seconds) a tiny piece of me is thinking- i'll lose a bigger piece of me that i never knew i had if i dont take the next step forward.

into the building...

into a different place then i saw myself going.

...and although the crowd screams,.........

they are to my back and that step forward is about to come.

Acts 17: 26-27
Acts 22:21

>faith and prayers<

RANDOM little POEMS

2009-01-05T18:09:00.000-08:00

as the wind blows through my hair,
i feel as though a pin wheel does.
no control of where to go,
no desire left to show.
my direction seemingly is not chosen easily,
and though the wind keeps on blowing
i find that theres no trace of time.
_______________________________________________

its like riding in a wagon up a hill
the idea is frantic filled
cant see the one pulling but only what is far below.
my heart is filled with fright
my excitements on the glow
and yet my understanding is not further in advance
i miss the moments out of the wagon just to dance
but no one said that growing older would ever give that chance.
and so here i am a riding with my growing circumstance.
______________________________________________

flowers grow only in sunlight
what ever happend to mine
it started out sunny
did it run out of time
the rain clouds arent passing
they cry out their tears
and smother the flowers
who panic with fear

whens the sun commin back?

back to grey
back to the way things were meant to be
sun shining down on me
back to the blue
back to the sky up above smiling down

whens the sun
when is the sun commin back?

______________________________________

some little poems that were running through my head today. all with a purpose and something to say. say about me and say about God. tell of the things in life that are odd. I dont necessarily understand why, but all i know is that im willing to try. so here r the toasts to the unwritten songs. The songs of the passerby moments of time. These are the songs that play out in my mind....

faith and prayers

...... all the things left unsaid

2008-12-30T14:28:00.000-08:00

a pictures worth a thousand words
but on this day i paint no more
my chains are heavy laden
my arms cant bare the weight embraced
by scolding of the never understanding
my gaze is hazed by tears
my teeth grit from times of hurt
my very bones grind and ache
my heart alone, stops in pain
as if to save my soul
my goals seem to them as diamonds left to be unwanted
but why must i pursue such things
for even diamonds have their points,
and chasing diamonds of the world is worthless just as plastic gold
the easy life once thrown aside will only bring on pain
but this i know
thus i go
i do not haste in worry or doubt
for faith is a greater thing than the easy comforts of this time
but as if satan himself speak against my words of wise
is this how they felt
as though walls block the ears of man
torn apart i lie in pieces
its hard to hand your birth right back
when its to those who only want what they think is best
but ill choose to be the martyr of their words and hate
if only to save the lost

faith and prayers...broken prayers

said to b the mothers choice

2008-12-28T20:54:00.000-08:00

*Said to b the mothers choice*

I never road the carousel, you walk by in the park
I never heard the sound of rain, that splashes in the dark
I never saw the seasons change
Ill never know fortune or fame
I never had the chance to vote
I never got to read anything anyone has ever wrote
I never tasted any sweets
I never stood on my two feet
I never got to dream at all
I never had a chance to fall
I never learned how to sing
I never learned anything
I never painted
Never cried
Never laughed
Never lied
You stole that all,
You had no right
I never had the chance to fight
My future would have been a blast
You wouldn’t know
It didn’t last
Let alone my unwritten past
You stole it all from me that day
Like a dream it wished away
So there it is
You thief of pigs
you told her she was free to choose
it was not your life you lose
her dignity just herself to save
I would have hoped she’d have been brave
I cost so less, you’d take my life
No one heard my soundless plight
They said it was up to her, her right
If your right had been up to her you'd never had agreed
But you don’t know,
you and she, never had to stand face to face with me
Well fine!
If its yours, where was mine?
This right I never knew.
My personhood lost no thanks to you.
No one asked me if I cared
No one let me live,
but still they seem to call it fare!
Not just I, we all are lost here in time
Our hearts unbeaten
What a loss
A tragedy seemingly unknown to man
To those who walk, to those who can
We cant be angry
We never lived to learn of that
I just wanted to speak on all our behalf’s
…yet still I go unheard...

this was written because of a very disturbing conversation with someone very dear to my heart today. she stated how she doesnt blv in abortion or partial birth abortion- but how she does believe in a mom having the choice to choose. i asked her why the baby didnt deserve the choice to stay alive...and she just looked at me. then finally a few seconds later she said, wow ... i guess i never thought of that...of what the baby would want to say in the matter.

this is my heartbeat

...i'm not sorry if my words came off harsh.... they r supposed to, but i mean them with no cynical drive i promise.

i want to also be sensitive to the ppl who might regret abortion. i blv that God heals your heart and forgives you if you ask! i have many great christian woman in my life who truly regret that they aborted one or more of their babies. They know God is wonderful and forgiving. and if your are in this place, God can do the same in your life if you ask Him too.

i just wanted to say something from the eyes of the baby due to my convo with this person today.

..it broke my heart.

i hope it breaks yours as well

faith and prayers.

/./lets make the world jealous/./

2008-12-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

So toady we were lookin at Luke 12:1-11, and it had a lot to do w/ what's been going on in my head lately.

it kinda comes down to this. there is this kingdom that i am a part of. everyone is a part of it. the king is this high and mighty man, and someday we will each end up seeing Him. THe king is trustworthy and amazing, but slightly crazy according to the rest of the kingdom. the people do not realize they think the king is crazy. in fact, they feel as though they are obeying Him. But, in regards to what the King has to say, they tend to bend things so its easier for them. But, here i am this peasant in the kingdom. I love the king dearly and see all the things He says to do or not to do as blessings for Him. He built the kingdom, He WOULD know whats best. SO i aim to pursue His teachings. THe people all think i am wrong though.... and its a whole mob verse one little peasant. And which should i follow. The crazy king, that they dont even realize is right or the delusional other people who surround me?

like
am i motivated by people ... or am i motivated by an eternal God who knows everything?

do i fear ppl ... or do i fear an eternal God?

i think what my life is coming down to is, man fearing God should be so much more important to me. Most of the time i have this idea that i do not care what people think. That i am, genuinely myself regardless of everyone else. I think i am when its choosing small things. ...like my style, its weird as ever, but i dont really mind. I enjoy being me. but, when it comes to big decision....i am not necessarily taking in that joy, that freedom if you will.

Jesus had a lot of freedom. WE are free in the holy spirit. phil 1:23.....i keep coming back to it. although what people want for me sounds right...well...i cant even go as far as saying that. it LOOKS right, it doesnt sit well w/ me.

Some of the points that really hit me were

* Jesus was at the center of Gods wrath on the cross and yet He was in the Center of Gods will....thats how much He loved me! so why do i not take Him more seriously, bc He is serious about me

*if we are ashamed of Him, He will be ashamed of us

*Jesus IS crazy when it comes to the eyes of the world, i need to be that crazy as well- Luke 12:4...norm not a encouraging idea, letting ppl kill u lol

*God will expose who we really are anyway, so why do we not live in the freedom of being who we were created to b? i think id rather deal w- ppl thinking im nuts, then Gods disappointment

*Gods blessings r eternal

and finally the pastor (kondo) left us with this story of a man who was tortured all the time for his faith. he was put in a coffin w/ nails time after time. he was held in freezing water, then let out to get warm, then put back in to freeze again, time after time. then did everything they could to make him renounce His amazing savior and he just wouldnt do it. Finally the head of the persecution just held a gun to the mans head and was very angry. He asked the man if he had anything to say and if he was afraid now, becuase this would end everything. The man simply told the man w/ the gun, to put his hand on the poor persecuted mans heart. He explained that if his heart was beating fast, then they had won. BUt, if his heart was beating slowly it just was because he knew he would finally see his Savior.

amazing isntl it?

Jonah 33 put it very well when they wrote, "I want a Faith like that. To see the dead rise, or to see you pass by. OH i, i want a faith like that. WHATEVER THE COST, Ill suffer the lost, oh i..."

pretty crazy cool stuff. being crazy for God is pretty intense. i feel like christians do not have to prove to the world that we CAN in fact have fun by putting on big programs or shows for people. If we lived crazy like Jesus did, and says to live- i think the world would be a little jealous.

~faith and prayers~

<3 "Love Story" <3

2008-12-05T23:54:00.001-08:00

Jesus "take me, somewhere we can be alone. i'll be waiting, all u have to do is run. u'll be the prince and i'll b the princess. its a love story. (Jesus) just say yes.....(Jesus) please save me, ive been feeling so alone. i keep waiting, for u but u never come. is this in my head, i dont know what to think"- Taylor Swift

i guess i could just really use a Jesus hug...and i feel like its not commin. but, thats ok, He'll let me know whats going on in my life when He wants me too.

just kinda weird lately, and this song reminded me of everything.

more weird lunch convos....that just left my friend and i puzzled. at life, at ministry, at faith.....

but God will answer. In His time. In His picked place.

~faith and prayers~

:.:Glass Slippers and Glass Walls:.:

2008-12-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

(so, originally this was a facebook note, and it slowly turned into my creative writing project. :) its kinda like a devotional....and so i thought i'd stick the new version in here, enjoy.)

Imagine your going to the biggest formal event of your life. It is some rich, fancy party and you are most certainly the odd one out. You stumble in through the big mahogany, double doors and get that Cinderella peasant feel. As you walk down the grand staircase all you can think to yourself is, “What am I doing here? I don’t belong.” You get to the floor and quietly move around the room, almost from corner to corner, trying not to be seen. As you tiptoe around you take in everything with glances. Your eyes gleam in excitement, but the other guests do not see this. If they did, they would assume you were not part of this world they so freely belong in. Every time you start to convince yourself to go talk to someone, the idea disintegrates as the feeling of being distinctively different overwhelms your soul. This world you are taking in with the tiny balls of crystal you peer out from is nothing in comparison to your past or present, and in no way do you fit in.
The guests do not see the wall. But, alas, the wall exists in full glory, and it stands abrasively in front of you as though it is made of knives. This giant sheet of glass has many layers, layers that shield you from the rest of existence. No one else sees the wall, to them it is not even there. Only you peer out from it, knowing there is no hope from ever getting around the massive object. The glass torments you as it allows you to peer through it to the other life you wish you understood. So you stand there, alone, wishing someone would come take it down.
For a split second, the person who invited to the grand party notices you in the corner by the punch table. Stuck there for quite some time, you had been trying to get around it, but the stupid wall was blocking you from getting around the table. Then, before you realize what is actually happening, he glides through the whole crowd of people over to you. Suddenly he abruptly stops as he gets up to the wall. Much to your surprise he sees it. The wall that no one but you has ever even noticed has the attention of the very person that invited you to the gala, how embarrassing. He stands there, then glances around to see if anyone else noticed the massive sheets of glass forbidding you to become part of their world. Apparently everyone else is in his or her own little planet, he notices, so he directs his attention back to the wall. No doors. No windows. Just glass, thick glass, stands in front of him now.
He glances up and shrugs as if to say, “How did you get in there?” Then his brow tenses and he looks down as if to think maybe you never walked in. Perhaps you were just plain stuck there, no thanks to the rest of the world who put you there. Not on purpose of course, they did not know the wall was built. But, regardless of them knowing what they did, the wall stands there, firm in foundation. Then he realizes how many layers of glass make up the wall. Years of glass stand between he and you. You look at him. He looks at you. And in the back of your mind, you realize he will most likely leave. Leave you alone with this silly wall of glass so he can have fun at his party. Your head glides downward and your heart starts beating a little slower, because you are trying not to cry.
Then, he knocks on the glass, and abruptly you look up, embarrassed. All of a sudden he shakes his head smiling and dips his head to say a quick prayer. To your surprise he looks up and a layer of glass comes crashing down. It shatters into a million pieces, and bits of glass are flying everywhere. He looks down and smiles at the sheet that fell, then looking up at you he asks for a dance. All you can think is, “Why me? Out of all the people here, why would he pick the hardest person to dance with? Won’t this embarrass him?” He notices the concern on your face and holds out his hand. Then for a few small seconds the wall is gone and you join him for a dance. That awful glass wall that no one could see but him and Jesus, slowly vanished long enough to get one dance in before the clock strikes midnight.
Suddenly you realize the band is not playing anymore. Everything is dead silent. Everyone is watching. And, even though he is holding you tighter so you would not be afraid, the wall starts coming back. Slowly of course, layer by layer. But, in reality you both knew it would.
The idea of this is simplistic, and that is glass walls take time. Layer by layer they have to be taken down. It can not happen all at once. Instead it is a process of trust and faith. The funny thing is everyone has one. Each person, has a giant glass wall in front of them. We may not always know how a wall got in front of someone, but we have a responsibility when we see one. As believers we need to help break the barrier between on another. For each person it is just a matter of waiting for that right person to see the wall, and be willing to help take it down. And, although sometimes we never know the total outcome of the walls we help tear down for one another, to each person it is a gift of hope and joy. We can be Jesus to them, we can give them their chance to dance.

<>< "they say im delicious here, in the belly of the whale"-newsboys

2008-11-26T20:41:00.000-08:00

so these last 2 years i have struggled.
struggled w- ideas and concepts, that im reading in scripture, as in reguards to the way i am directed and headed in life. mostly about what im doing to get there. ...and ive had a few conversations lately as to what i am gonna do about it. conversations with people of passion like as in myself, and i sit glancing in the direction of those who do not understand. finally, in talking to my best friend Christina, i have come to a realization and understanding of how to explain this.

...*eh hem*

once upon a time, there lived a man named jonah.

....lol, ok, all of u know the story of jonah. well i heard this story over and over and over again when i was little. in my head i mocked jonah. i was always like, dag nabit man, how hard is it really gonna have to get before u give in and and just go the directon God is pointing.
i never sympathized with jonah.
i found him ignorant and stupid.
.....oops O_0

so now looking at my life, .....i see myself in the stomach of a smelly, nasty, aweful whale. ...ewwww sick. the only thing that i can even consider in comparison too it, would b like when my roomate and i's toilet decided to pretty much expload on its own the other day.

...yes, like that bad.

down there w/ all the bones, grime, sea weed, dead things, and it all just plain reaks. ...the belly of a whale...

poor jonah. he let himself get the best of him. ...and although i didnt totally do that, i let others get the best of me.
its hard when authority is shifting in life, and u have to make a stance on which direction is more important.

its funny, i never saw myself as a people pleaser until this week. latley i've seen how my life is structured in just trying to keep everyone happy. ha, irony sinks in when i look back and realize most of my life, the people surounding me were all never happy anyway. its a wonder ive always been so frustraited. here i am, self proclaimed NON-people pleaser...who realistically lives to want people to just be ok with her.

...but when am i the happiest?
simple answer, when im pleasing God, but hard to do when every1 seems to tell me what He is telling me.

funny, i never had a problem hearing what He is saying till i started listening to everyone around me. and in this thing called people pleasing, it only converts into selfishness....

its easier for me to just stay and keep them happy, then to have the world mad at me.
....but im willing. i'm praying and asking God to let the whale spit me out.
ill go to my Nineveh, even though i WANTED to go, unlike jonah.

i was just taking shortcuts....the dangerous shortcuts. the ones that when ur walking up the hike theres a big shortcut sign. but it really only is spray painted over the real one that says "BEWARE OF CLIFF". ...and as much as u WANT to beware of the cliff, a shortcut sounds good enough to take at the moment.

Isaiah 30:21 (New International Version)

21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

funny, my friend alyssa texted me that vrs, right as i was about to type this all up :) thought it ended things right. im done with shortcuts. they r deadly no matter who im pleasing. Nineveh is gonna hear from me, i just gotta get outta my whale.

faith and prayers

o0o Lunchtime Smiles and <3's of Cheer o0o

2008-11-19T22:13:00.000-08:00

today i ate lunch with a friend
and though i did not know
he would make me smile big
even in my feeling low

we talked of many things
while eating food thats not so great
but our conversation was amazing
as we ate off lunchtime plates

we talked of many things its true
but deep life thoughts came as well
we discussed how hard it can be
when your college feels like hell :)

we dreamed big thoughts
things we're told will not be
we dreamed of greater times
greater times once over seas

we dream of places not yet been
but something deep inside us cling
though no one seems to get it
we know the joy the sea will bring

so one day adam, we'll set sail
across the ocean deep and wide
God will lead us to our joy
my excitment i'll not hide

despite our lives glued here for now
this time will not be long
someday soon our hearts will be
singing out their waited song.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
no lie, it was gettin pretty lonely here. id really been searching out where Gods been, and He felt really distant. my dreams felt distant. my aspirations felt as though they were gone, and my joy was more of a meer attempted act to look like i was happy. its diff than its been b4. im not sure when things just seemed to get so ...so...."normal". i feel like im living "normally" here. considering ive never lived a "normal" type of life it was very concerning and weird. at first i hated it. then i was all, oh normal isnt so bad. but my heart wasnt meant for the normal, so therefore i still will stride to b ...me i guess. but, ya, God gave me a great lunchtime talk today, and i needed it. it re-energized me. :) so thank u Jesus, and thank u adam. ha

faith and prayers

.:"im on the wrong side of a paralelle universe"-h.d.:.

2008-11-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

.: Standing with myself :.

i stand face to face with this big sheet of glass.
looking behind me while looking in front.
the mirror is a window, to the world i have yet to see.
but i cant step around the reflection of me.

am i trapped here, or am i trapped inside there?
each one of me wonders and thinks in dispute.
we argue together about the ordeal.
but we agree with eachother that neither is real.

there should be another reflection off to the side.
my side
and her side
with Him by our sides.

together the four of us should become one.
the trouble is He is unseen latley.
and no matter how hard we try to find where He is,
He feels so far, somewhere out in the distance.

so she and i look
around and about.
no one behind us,
no one beside us,
no one in front but ourselves to abide with.

we're lonely and wishful
as we wait and we watch.
we listen and ponder.
we stare but don't wander.

How long must He leave us alone with eachother?
I no longer feel and i wonder if she does.
but reguardless of feelings, we stand face to face.
i wish He would come with our hearts to replace.

waiting and waiting as time passes by.
waiting and waiting both asking why.
waiting and watching for Him to explain.
me and my mirror, we wait in pain.

"One Nation, Under God...with Liberty and Justice FOR ALL"

2008-11-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

"With Liberty And Justice For AL-most everyone"

She stands attention at the door
is this the hope shes searching for?
her heart is pounding
eardrums sounding
not knowing what is in store

Her hand can reach to go inside
will this give back her missing pride
clock is ticking
stomach sickening
shes wishing she had simply died.

will she miss the one she feels
will this complicate ordeals
people talking
people walking
once shes in its signed and sealed

its legal so it must be right
once she feels shes out of sight
shell stop crying
she'll start trying
to once again find sleep at night.

few hours later all is cast
that babies breath would be its last
its not breathing
it not feeling
it is now just in her past.

she feels the withdraw
she never ever saw
what was coming
now shes running
on the inside her heart is raw.

ten years later she still feels
the devil made her that evil deal
her heart is bleeding
theres this needing
for the one who was so real

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We need to start praying now against the abortion laws that will tried to be made in our country. Its the ever going holocaust of our life time, and we just allowed space for things to climax even more. My heart is utterly disturbed at the thought of what could happen now with this. Did God allow this election and is He in control? ABSOLUTELY, but I also believe He gives us our Freedom to make wise decisions and I believe we face our own consequences when we make bad ones. I am broken hearted also for everyone that did not take the chance to vote. God allowed us in a country to make changes! That freedom is such a jealous thing to so many other nations, yet its easier to just stay home and watch a movie or do laundry instead of acting upon this right. I have been amazed at how many people are saying they did not vote. What if things could have been different?When God gives us ways to act on our faith and stand up for Him, we as believers need to take those opportunities. I almost feel like He is there saying, "You prayed for Me to move in this nation, and then you did not even act upon your prayers yourself. I gave you opportunities, and you missed them." Not at all in a syndical way, but I believe He moves greater when we actually are doing something believing He will help. This being said, we still have chances to vote, regardless of which president made it in. We still have chances to approve or disprove on issues. PLEASE take time to vote for or against what we believe as Followers of Christ! Please don't be to busy to help our Nation. And please start praying for our leaders like you never have before.

opportunities come.
i feel like we dropped the ball on this one, but we can still make a stance.
our voice can still be heard.

so yes, there are my thoughts from 4 in the morning while typing a paper and talking to Jesus. There are no disclaimers, i mean every word I said.

Faith And Prayers

when the older, grew wiser, simply from listening to words of the younger

2008-10-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

This week proved me wrong.

i had seriously come to a place where i no longer believed in the generation before mine ever getting things. Granted, there are the few and the proud which i love dearly and respect more than life itself. BUT this week was such an encoragement.

i listend to a man tell a story about an old lady in a red hat at a christian rock music festival. she sat up front, right where the teans were moshin. the man was intrigued w/ the little woman and finally went over to ask what she was doing. apparently she went to a tiny little baptist church. her husband and she got saved just last year, but then he died from cancer the year after. apparently he loved music. every kind. they used to go to all concerts, so when she heard about the concert she knew her husband would want to go. So the man asked the lady if she enjoyed the music. she replied w/ "oh yes, its so lovely. and the kids are great!" She said also said that she wished the youth group from her church was allowed to come as well, but they were'nt permitted to hang w/ any1 aside from their youth group. he asked if the church knew she was there and she said, Oh heavens no. they would never approve of me comming to an event like this."

wow. what an impacting story. first off i want 2 b that lady someday. i never want just diff styles and ppl keep me from participaiting in things for Christ.

secondly WOW, what a church. what a sad sad sad veiw of the church. have we really come to a place were we r even so out of the world that christian rock concerts would not be considered Godley too?

thirdly, just bc something is differently from maybe our comfort zone, doesnt mean its necessarly going to send us to hell. 0_o sorry that was a tad synical, but i see so many churches doing this.

another man at conference gave a few statistics :( i sadly need to add that need to be shattered. DID u know that america is the leads the least amount of ppl to Christ every year than other contries? China is comming to Christ the fastest. I need to find someone that remembers them all, so i an add them all to my list to the right of my blogg w/ the other statistics. it was heart wrenching. obviously something is wrong. desperately wrong. we as Americans no longer understand the way to reach the lost apparently. this speaker did something i've never had anyone do before in a seminar or chapel. he appologized for his generation being so complacent about their faith. he also said he'd take the blame for them, since they seem to be unwilling. he challenged us to change things.

all in all it was good.
i watch adults get it. they realized how far we've come and saw the tragedy.
it keeps me fighting
fighting for my cause.
fighting for my Jesus.

Faith and prayers

contentment......and the lack there of...

2008-10-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

so today at church the man preaching was talking about contentment. and how if theres lack of contentment, your not really abiding by God's will. How if your dreams or aspirations in life, become demands then we are just lacking the ability to be happy where we are at currently.

this slightly annoyed me. ONE becuase i know i need to be alright with were God has placed me, no matter where or when. BUT reguardless of me not being ok with being here, contentment does not seem to push its way into my life in a positive way either. And, i muse that the idea of complacency would shortly follow the idea of being content. I know where he was going with everything. He was pointing out the fact that our future can sometimes make us lose focus on the here and now. but, as Americans do we not already have it easy enough to be able to come to complaceny on our own? Honestly,....i dont come to the place he seems to be at.

for instance, he said "discontentment comes when we do'nt get what we desire....and when we don' t have what we desire, we assume that we don't have what we deserve."

maybe im different. maybe im wrong, but heres were my heart is tugging.

yes i am supposed to be where i'm at currently. but, that does not mean that i should be content. When a person is content, they become stagnent. There is no reason to keep persuing. If i am content in my walk of faith, then i have no reason to feel the need to grow any more. i would b happy just sitting along the side lines, watching other people run their races.

do i think he totally knew that he was comming across this way, no. I think he was wise in some things he was taking from scripture. i belive his word choises were just poorly chosen. He did at one point throw out there "live hungry for more but satisfied with less without abandoining your dreams. ...and want your happiness out of the reach of your enemies"...

basically im saying that i think God purposly wants us DISCONTENT. :) ...i know i sound backwards in everything i say sometimes, but seriously, think about it. When we are discontent we have a need to keep persuing Him. we have a purpose and goal to get too. Does God want us unhappy all the time? absolutly not, but i think He likes to challenge us.

My goal and heart is missions. I need to fulfill my purpose here before i get there, but with complacency...would i ever really get there?...

hMmmMMMmmMMMmmmm..... just some thoughts.

faith and prayers

"i wanna line the peices up. yours and mine"-Sora, Kingdom <3's

2008-09-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

Its weird to me, that i was just asked how my years going and i honestly dont know.

my ONLY explanation was that I am living w/ a mirror type of life right now. ...its like im watching my reflection, do everything I should b doing, ...but im not even a part of it. None of its mine. its like watching yourself as a tv show almost. ...sounds weird, i know. But, in my head im thinking things that don't even match up to what my heart is thinking. ...or they do match, but my reflection is off doing its own normal thing like everyone.

So where is the real me? and what is it doing? and why is this clone reflection of me taking over? ...i just dont know the answer to that. i do the right things. i do everything with intention as we learn to do. ...i think im on target....er i mean, my reflection is.

Its sorta like in Kingdom Hearts (yes im a geek, dont judge)..BUT, SORA, the main Character is asleep at one point of the story, and this second person named Roxas is runnning around in his place. Turns out Roxas is a "nobody" as the game calls him, and Sora is his real person. Roxas has to find Sora, because thats who he really is. As much as Roxas THINKS he exists, he is "nobody" without Sora.

That is where I am at. ....no i dont know what that means. BUT, i sorta feel like the person ppl know me as is my "nobody" and there is a SOMEONE out there im meant to find.

Im not sure what that means
Im not sure what that looks like

ALL I KNOW, is God put me on this weird hike up a mountain. He called me back here. (if u remember my post about coffee talks w/ God). BUT, He just keeps bringing me back to calling Abraham up w/ Isaac and then providing.....

i know im on a journey. i keep waiting to fig out where, why, how, who w/, what, and ...well pretty much anything other than i have to stay here for a while.
i wish God would speak more in direction of facts, but may-b He just thinks that would freak me out.

SOOOOOO ill leave on a note of encouragement to anyone whose out there trying to find their Someone thats really a bigger part of them. I know its related w/ Jesus somehow.

Romans 5:1-5
"There4, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope f the glory in our sufferings, bc we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, bc God's love has been poured out into our <3's through the HOly Spirit, who has been given to us."

faith and prayers

sMiTtEn for JeSuS

2008-09-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

Smitten is a weird word. we dont normally use it on a daily basis. When i heard it, from the missionary who spoke at ccc this sunday, i thought to myself "she was smitten, while playing badminton. wheres my kitton"-Lilly off the princess diaries 2. lol. but seriously, its an interesting word.

what are we smitten by? ....what grabs our attention and and totally takes hold of our mind? Sorta like when u see something ir someone for the 1st time and you cant take your eyes off of it, him, or her. Whatever your personal "it" may be. ....smitten.

But, anyhoo the missionary was usin 1 Corinthians 1:27-2:5 to show examples of how paul was smitten by Jesus. How, everywhere paul went he HAD to talk about Jesus.

here r a couple things that impacted me greatly from this passage, just to throw it out there:

(27) God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and uses the weak to shame the strong.
(2:2) "I resolved to KNOW NOTHING while i was with you except Jesus Christ..."

i love these 2 concepts becuase it all ties in with my theme of shattering statistics. IN FACT the missionary himself was saying how Christian statistics should b dramatically different.

but get this, 1- the dumbest person can be used to SHAME the wise. ...backwards. God thinks backwards. IN FACT, God made our minds knowing we cant even comprehend everything and knowing we'd b the way we r. BASICALLY, im just convinced if we stopped knowing everything and accpected God to teach us, we would learn so much more.

then 2- Paul knew NOTHING but CHrist. like if Jesus wasnt invoved it wasnt worth pauls time. wow....to paul it was kinda like this kid i met tonight at dinner!...he puts katchup on pretty much everything. he's convinced that w/o katchup its just not possible that his food will taste very good. he said he has a t-shirt that says he puts katchup, on his katchup. SO, ya, hahaha reminds me of Paul. Paul thinks basically if Jesus isnt in the convo, the convo flavor isnt even worth eating. And, just to see the total concept in light, paul would talk about Jesus, while talking about Jesus
some points giving about being FULLY SMITTEN were:

~Humility
~B'n an eye witness
~the Message, has to mean more to the messanger than himself
~A Driving passion for the lost
~Faith in the power of God

and all these things just struck me hard. like HELLO, all the statistics i wanna help break can ONLY be broken if people are "permantly and dramatically changed for Jesus". If people all had a love for Jesus like Paul, then WOW,

....would abortion b a prob?

how about divorce or lying?........it would affect EVERYTHING. Even if a FEW ppl stepped up and said- Jesus is my EVERYTHING, and truly live up to that concept...what a difference it would make.

i loved it when the missionary throught this idea out in the air, he said, "we need to not be afraid of the ppl, but afraid FOR them"

HELLO! its like, WOW, being a radical, living my faith, and proclaiming Jesus in everything i do. not to b annoying, or a goody-two-shoes BUT bc i care!

yep. just some awesome thoughts from a normal Sunday....written on a monday night.

faith and prayers

-Actions speak louder than Words-

2008-09-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

It's weird,

convicting actually, thinking about how the things we say can truly affect someone. Or not even words, sometimes its the complete opposite!

As an outgoing person i try my best to include everyone. i have grown up knowing both sides of being the akward kid or being the one who knows everyone.

But, its weird how a few ppl can change ur opinion of urself. this week has been strange, hard, and depressing for me. i cant explain it. not in words at least. if there was an art program on here id draw it to show u. but the whole deal comes down to, im learning to b the outcast. NOT by everyone. lol, thanks to extroversion i still of coarse have friends. But, even w/ them or their compliments, hugs, or "hi, how are you's" from the day....some things stuck w/ me.
a few things occupied my mind and took control of my heart.

in my last entry i mentioned that God made me someone who doesnt tend to feel. Its strange, but i tend to be numb to feelings most of the time. This week was different. I FELT different. And my brain doesnt quite comprehend it. And, i admit to having many things that i should feel in my life. Oddly enough though, i just keep truckin w/ Jesus and tend to disreguard the feelings that go on inside. But, just a few actions towards me this week brought me to tears. Seems silly in my mind. I dont really understand. I dont cry about anything, but their behaviors shouted louder then everyone else who was showing me kindness.

We talked about love in Chapel. loving like Jesus loved. ....and i prayed i could do that. I need to learn more about how to influence others because of His love and not my own. And, if it were'nt for those ppl treating me the way they did i wouldnt have had the reminder i needed. bc now when the kid that NEVER talks becomes friends w/ me, for once i see the other side. Maybe i can once again learn to relate even more. Maybe they need me to love like Jesus would love. I never want to be the person who made their week feel like years, when it might have been a totally amazing week for them.

idk, just some thoughts that have been runnin in my mind and heart.
Kutless wrote it better than i lol when they said,
"Can’t you see
We’re crushing the hearts of the innocent
We’re teaching them to fail
And how it breaks me to see how we’re living
And punishing the ones that need us to care
To see them hurting
Feels like knuckles to the back of my head"

faith and prayers

~Coffee Shop Conversations, in the Throne Room~

2008-08-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

fingerprints of deamons work
broken bones with but numb of pain
will sanity unfold its heart
while the world goes insain

teardrops of angles song
shattered wings with sorrow great
can tears fall onto the house
if the house is no more

illuminated windows
candles glow throughout the night
but alas they bring no patience
as the pain lingers near.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i dont understand what God is doing right now. its hard shattering statistics, when He seems to be unreachable. I dont understand the idea of Him calling someone to do something, then providing no way to achieve it. ...then theres Abraham. Funny, as i type He just answered me.
(this is kinda the dialogue that went on)

*me typing and pondering*
Me- "God why did u call me out? WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS? U call them w/ PURPOSE and answer directly. I DONT UNDERSTAND. U answered the prophets in the Bible when you asked THEM to do something. They were just the reporters...bc they saw the end result. why dont u answer me? like Gideon, and the others from the Bible ive grown up learning about"

God-"Well i had Abraham hike up a mountain. In fact i asked Him to slay his own son, just like i would later do. But, i wanted to see he was faithful enough to go do it. Granted I'm God, so I knew that he was anyway, but it was HIS CHOISE to obey. ...like its YOURS. Noah looked crazy building the ark. ...sometimes you have to look crazy for me."

Me- "...oh. ya.....this is true."

God- "I even sent someone to tell you that. And it annoyed you to hear it, bc you knew it was true."

Me- "Thats also true. I didnt like it bc i knew it was true."

God- "But, u can still talk to Me, about that frustration. I'm always here"

Me- "...U dont FEEL here....i dont know what i FEEL...."

God- "I know, but i made u that way for a reason like everything else. You just need to be READY"

Me- "*sigh* You always point that out, and I never FEEL ready..oh, feel. nevermind"

God- *smiles*

~so i know it all sounds crazy, but thats what me and God talked about. it was almost like a coffee shop conversation, with the creator of the universe.
...ya,
funny enough, i KNOW im not crazy. How cool is that? reguardless of me FEELINGS...that i may never, actually knowing the way God made me ill most likely NEVER understand bc i shove them aside....I KNOW IM NOT CRAZY. im just chaising after Him right now and thats enough.

:)
and thats a cool feeling, not gonna lie.

Later days.
Faith and prayers.

...thoughts....hMmmMMmmMmm....yes....

2008-08-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

prisoner of unwanted times.
the day draws long,
the months pass by.

gazing round i see them all.
they think they know,
but alas, they fall.

Trust no more.
Hope for peace.
Days unwanted never cease.

Once just months
Pass by as years
God of heaven, save the dears.

They prayed for peace
They prayed through tears.
And, still they sit in awful fear.

Waiting for change
Waiting for answers.
Waiting waiting waiting on

Jesus
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My best bud and i spent a year waiting in the desert. and its funny, we're still sorta there. but its better being in a desert waiting and wondering, than trying to solve the world and its problems by ourseleves. Theres to much that we can't do and so much that God can. i guess it all just takes,

patience.

something i've never been real great with when it comes to pain.
its easier being numb and not caring
not feeling
...sounds weird when i say it.
but i dont feel.
in my head it makes things easier. but i'm concerned its made me complacent and uncompationate. ...i used to care....i think...lol, been a long time.
so reguardless of my desert. reguardless of my patience about being patient.

i press on. :)

Really Big Spiders and Introverted Tendencies

2008-08-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

Ha...So i'm not gonna lie, i love the show Drake and Josh. MOSTLY for the rediculous trouble they seem to get themselves into. My little bro got me watching it w/ him when it 1st came out, and i've liked it ever since. BUT, theres this really great movie about them called "REALLY BIG SHRIMP". In the movie Josh is trying to sign Drake off to a record deal. So he starts signing forms about what his brother Drake will later have to legally abide too. THEN, his attention is taken because of these REALLY BIG SHRIMP that r sitting beside him. SO he freaks out and starts eating the shrimp and signing the documents, with out reading the forms first. It all turns into a mess of coarse (becuase what kinda plot line would it be if they magically didnt have any problems!? right?). Then, after everything had been cleared up at the end, some girl walks into the same office, and sees the same big shrimp. Josh then warns her that they r aweful and refuses to let her even try them.

So...its a silly story.
but man, what a big idea in such a little thing like jumbo shrimp!
Josh has a life altering situation for his brothers life in the palm of his hands, and he misses the significance of everything just becuase, of something that caught his eye.

....and i sat there watching this movie thinking #1 WOW, who would EVER DO THAT...#2 MAN THOSE R REALLY BIG SHRIMP, I WONDER IF THEY REALLY DO SELL THOSE? I GOTTA GET ME SOME! and #3..oh, i do this all the time

in FACT, funny thing. i was out to coffee with a good friend of mine. and directly above us was this spider the size of Nantucket!...ok, it was the size of a nickle at least, gosh thing was HUGE! and tons of kids were all screaming because of that silly spider. granted, as gross as it was, we were all still completly amused at the size of that sucker. so my friend and i named him stephen (because its a more distinguished name of coarse) and just sat there amazed at stephens irregular spider size. not only did he hold our attention, but everyone outside was bewildered as well for about 15 min or so. it was hard to forget it was right above me, so finally we moved to a different table.

point is, it caught my attention. that big spider was like that shrimp! it took up quite a lot of our conversation, and looking back what a pitty. wow, Jesus is more interesting to me than that spider. heres a life altering situation on my hands, and yet...that spider caught my attenion.

and tonight i was at a football game. i had a girl standing by me a while, only because she saw me with her friends ealier. her friends at some point must have vanished, becuase she didnt have anyone around accept me that she recognized. normally i am a very outgoing person. not tonight though, no....not tonight. i pretty much just asked what her name was, introduced myself back, and left it at that. here i have a perfect chance for evangelism...and wow...i turned into a ten second introvert and kinda didnt say anything. nothing. we just stood there.

life altering...

i dont know where shes at w/ God
i dont know if she'd go to heaven if she died tonight.
i dont know becuase i didnt ask.

there wasnt even a spider to catch my interest. i just didnt seem to have any.

shame on me!
granted when i went out to coffee, at least my friend and i ended on a spirtual note, but not really the kind i'd liked to have ended on reguardless.
that coffee night bugged and tugged at my heart, and tonight it was even more heart breaking.

all of that said, just b watching for opportunities. every second in someones life is "LIFE ALTERING" if they dont have Jesus. and whether its "Really Big Shrimp", a really big spider, or u decide to have a personality switch for no reason...theres NO excuse when it comes to Christ.

ya, just some thoughts in the life of me. hope it encourages some of u!

*faith and prayers*

i hope you know this...

2008-08-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

A lot can happen in 8 years.
A lot of time will pass us by.
Days of tears and days of pain.
But, days can never stay the as were.
I sit and wonder how much will go on with out you.
but, the world still turns reguardless of your departure.
People will marry, families will start.
Some will finally come to Christ.
Kids will grow up.
People will pass on in old age.
Graduations and parties with cake and gifts.
Trips will be taken.
Pictures will as well.
Friends or enimies will be made.
Jobs will be lost, while others beguin.
The world will grow smaller than it already is.
Snow will fall, seasons will change.
Over and over, 8 years seems like forever.

i wanted you here.
i wanted you to be a part.
the others did as well.
i hope you know.
you will always be in my prayers.
you will be in most of theirs.
thank you for the memories.
thank you for your time.
thanks for the smiles and thanks for the prayers.
thanks for caring like no one did sometimes.
thank you for leading me closer to Jesus.
and,
thank you for being a father when i needed it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 Corinthinians 1:3-15 ...my life moves on. :) even when my heart is weak, my God is BIG.

Faith and Prayers,
T

>When My Heart Didnt Match My Head<

2008-08-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days when I'm at a loss for words.
...u know... one of those days where u r just waiting for time to stop.

that long idle, moveless day, that feels ike it will never end.

sorta like when ur little and ur sitting at the top of the stairs on Christmas morning. Ha, i dont know how many times i did that growing up, but i do know my grandpa, mom, and grandma were NEVER ready early enough for me. I wanted to run down the stairs ambushing the tree like a band of wild indians.

...but of COARSE that was never allowed. why would it be? they have all this fun waiting downstairs, so why not keep it from me? at least thats how i felt. as the time passed. as the coo coo clock (or is it koo koo? whatev) ticked at the bottom of the stairs just to mock me.

in those freakishly long moments, i felt like time stopped and would never start again. irony, i knew the logical side of things...time would move on. time WAS moving on. but, it sure didnt feel like it when i was four. ...no...time stopped.

today is a morning such as that.
time has once again stopped.
im looking back on memories, and thinking things will never be like they once were. but thats what a memory is right? so maybe its wrong for me to miss them in a bleak moment of sorrow. because, unlike Christmas, these do not come back once a year. Granted, at Christmas i am not the little girl at the top of the stairs, hoping and praying for my family to call me down for the best morning of my life. I grew up, no longer anticipaiting anything more than hopefully getting a day to sleep in, and then spending time with loved ones. and, no matter how bad Christmas goes, theres still a little tiny piece of that girl inside excited to run down the stairs, only becuase of the day. and every year i have memory of that.

this is just so different.
and i know none of this makes sense to maybe more than 3 of you. ha...and out of the 3 im assuming only 1 will ever see this, so i appalogize to the rest.

but basically im just asking for prayer. today is not a day of questioning God's judgement and grace, but it is a day for me to struggle with HIS answer and not MINE. The Judgment and Grace of me is so different from the Holy one of my Jesus.

...but today my heart does not match this head knowlege.
today im trying to be still.
today ill, "stand in the rain. stand my ground. stand up when its all crashing down. stand through the pain. i wont drown. and one day whats lost can be found. ill stand in the rain"-Superchick bc my words lack my hearts actual words....

Dt. 32:4- "He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are JUST. A FAITHFUL God who does NO wrong, Upright and Just is He"

Faith and Prayers <--irony. ;)

~Bigger than the $ and Shattering Statistics~

2008-08-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

Its funny.

i swore id never do this. but i enjoy writing...and this is a good way to get all my thoughts out so none of u have to hear them long windedly told in real life! i apologize ahead of time for all my gramatical errors to those of u who rock at English. :) i know mine is sorta like the bad examples in "Grammar for Dummies". but, why not let ppl learn what im learning so we can all learn together right?...reguardless of my terrible grammar.... :) but, here we go.....
I've always been a fan of Willy Wonka. Theres something magical to me about a man who takes a piece chocolate and turns it into art. And, theres a quote that gets me every time from the newest version of the movie. Grandpa George takes a moment to challenge little Charlie and he says this, "There's plenty of money out there. They print more and more every day. But that ticket? There are only five of them in the whole world, and that's all there's ever going to be! Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy??"

lol...a simple little quote that goes against everything were taught as we grow up in America.

We value the dollar as life. We are taught that we are only wise if we save...insurance can be bought on EVERYTHING aside from maybe Sharpies and gumball machine candy. its a climb the statas latter world.....and if Charlie Bucket takes that ticket he's losing out. think of all that cabbage soup he coulda bought! skip the cabbage, bring on the brokolli and cheese soup charlie, ur wise to want to just sell the ticket! Get the money! Invest in the Dollar Charlie!

or is it?

...ok, that was a little synical. sorry. i'm NOT saying that we should'nt feed our familes and take an all out vacation instead. but, all i hear about these days are worries about money. i myself fall into this... loans. what a dreadful word right? ....loans...*shudder*...lol but seriously, with in this last week alone i have talked to almost all my friends about loans and scholarships. affording college is a scary thing for all of we pioneers in life. SAD.... really sad. i sorta feel like Satan is holding an everlasting bill in front of my face and threatining me....
"you'll never make it to the mission feild...u'll fall like half the others i've entrapped in debt these days"

i realized it even more when my church announced it is having a financial class on HOW TO SAVE.
...im all for saving. actually, as most of u know im a total tight wadd.....

but Jesus didnt save for His futor retirement house at Laguna Beach eather. in fact, i do believe the Bible says "Don't worry about tommorrow". So im not. :) i was challenged at Momentum youth conferance to be able to "believe in the Bible, because i believe in the Bible"-Chuck Bomar

and i figure, im gonna work as hard as i can at paying everything off fast. i'm not buying into the idea that half the missionaries are so in debt they never make it to their goal...im not living that way. im *shattering the statistic*. :) which is one reason i chose that name for my blog.

i have a lot of statistics held over my head. money is one. college is another. family...the list is never ending. and i've always been about shattering those. I want ppl to see Jesus through my life becuase i didnt fall, and when it comes to worrying maybe i'm failing. i can say i dont worry...but realistically i tend to worry continuously. But, if i have the God of the universe in control of my life...as long as i am walking with Him, its going to be ok. I'll stay in school, for however long He allows...and pay things off as quickly as i can. I'm getting to China, or wherever He calls...and Satan is'nt stopping me! Im not spending on things like insurance...wow. I know. sounds "unwise" and as every good sunday school kid knows, the Bible talks a WHOLE lot about being wise....but this is different....

i've considered the cost. If i can help others like Jesus, instead of worrying so much about ME or MY stuff or MY happiness....then my insurance is in Him.

all crazy....ideas...im sure i'll talk more sometime about it all...but ya.

If "My Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is MIGHTY to Save, He is Mighty to save."-Hillsong....then why do I not treat life that way?...

just a challenge in my life, and the 1s i care about lately.

~Faith and Prayers~

Shattering Statistics

Plaid Blue Shirts and Cheap Plastic Tires

Three Point One Four, From Chocolate to Pie

The Unplanned Moments

McDonalds always was my favorite...apparently its Jesus's too!

~♡ of an Evangelist~

Furious Love and Butterflies to Prove it...

...When We Walk By Butterflies...

~When God Sends us Fireflies~

TO KANSAS 4 Ihop but not for the Pancakes....

~The Summer Vs. Tom Theory~ Brought to you by Hollywood and my brain!

~The Finger of God~

-_-_October Prayers_-_-

///Resting in the Lord\\\

..:Willing to Fight the Commotion:..

<3 Come Be the Lover of Me <3

-He loves me, He loves me not...HE LOVES ME-

~Because God Sent Me Chocolate~

>The Ignorance of a Bookstore<

....:A LIGHTHOUSE OF FIREFLIES:.....

...:::My Lil' Pirate Puppy:::...

*Greater things r yet to comE*

.:our chains are gone, we've been set free:.

_painted pebbles, the sky, and hearts_

55....

..:Toothpaste at Walmart:..

"Life is Beautiful"

standing in the lobby

and the songs keep rolling in

...all the things left unwritten...

~: Batman, Revolving Doosrs, ...and a New Frontier:~

RANDOM little POEMS

...... all the things left unsaid

*said to b the mothers choice*

/./lets make the world jealous/./

<3 "Love Story" <3

:.:Glass Slippers and Glass Walls:.:

<>< "they say im delicious here, in the belly of the whale"-newsboys

o0o Lunchtime Smiles and <3's of Cheer o0o

.:"im on the wrong side of a paralelle universe"-h.d.:.

"One Nation, Under God...with Liberty and Justice FOR ALL"

*when the older, grew wiser, simply from listening to words of the younger*

contentment......and the lack there of...

"i wanna line the peices up. yours and mine"-Sora, Kingdom <3's

sMiTtEn for JeSuS

-*Actions speak louder than Words*-

~Coffee Shop Conversations, in the Throne Room~

...thoughts....hMmmMMmmMmm....yes....

Really Big Spiders and Introverted Tendencies

i hope you know this...

>When My Heart Didnt Match My Head<

~Bigger than the $ and Shattering Statistics~

Greater things r yet to comE

said to b the mothers choice

when the older, grew wiser, simply from listening to words of the younger

-Actions speak louder than Words-